The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller
by The morrigan three
Summary: A diary by your favourite teacher, Severus Snape. Potter is coming to Hogwarts, I hope he's ready. As long as I have coffee to drink and McGonagall to bully, I'll survive. Repost. Complete.
1. Potty is coming to Hogwarts

Disclaimer: I don't Harry Potter or any other characters. Also mentions of Mills and Boon books later on, which i don't own either.

This is a repost because it got deleted off about a year ago for having script form in it. It got over 180 reviews last time, so enjoy...

The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**I'll kill the little bugger.**

Guess what! Great news, Harry Potter is coming to Hogwarts. I am going to make his life HELL! I have even sorted out my welcoming speech:

"There will be no foolish wand- waving in this class."

(Bang door. Note to self- Make sure you wear the cloak that is three sizes to big so it swishes out behind me. Scowl at everyone, but especially Potter.)

"I do not expect many of you to appreciate the subtle silence that is potion- brewing. But for those select few."

(Look at Malfoy. Share a sneer at Potter with him)

"I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory and even put a stopper…"

(Dramatic pause. Draw cloak around yourself)

"In death."

(Make sure Potter gets in trouble)

"Ahhh."

(Super sneer. The one I have been practising in the mirror)

"Mr Potter. Our new celebrity."

(Snigger from Malfoy)

"You are a big- headed insolent wretch not to listen in my lessons!"

(Reach over desk and strangle him, not before taking five- hundred points from Gryffindor)

Okay. So maybe I need to work on it, I think McGonagall may get me fired for killing off students, but it'll be worth it. I'm just drafting out some lesson plans. The second years can boil frog's eyes, nice way to start the year, third years can make a horn- growing solution and fourth years can pickle dragon livers. I love my life; well I love my brilliant imagination, my life is absolute crap. Maybe I should write a book?

How crap is my Life? By Severus Snape.

Everybody would buy it just to laugh at me. I feel so unwanted. I'll feel better after torturing Potter. Hahaha haha ha hahaha.

I am going to go and practice my super- evil laugh.

**Bathroom**

Dumbledore made me sit next to Quirrel at dinner. I am still trying to get the smell of onions out of my cloak. That man is really disgusting; his pet iguana is called something like Erwin and all he did all the way through the main course was talk about how it can fetch sticks. Maybe Quirrel should write a book?

My Pet Iguana (who is called Erwin) and me! By Onion smelling Quirrel.

I don't think it'll catch on really. Damn! I have just covered my cloak in bleach. It'll go grey and grey so badly doesn't suit me. I like black and only black. You can never look too happy in it. Potter (Ahahahahaha!) got sorted into Gryffindor, I half wanted him to be put in Slytherin, just to spite him, but then I wouldn't be able to take hundreds of points of him and his little friends. He has made friends with Weasley. I'll get them all! That Fred and George, I'll get them back for what they did last year.

I hope this year goes really quickly, and Quirrel doesn't insist on sitting next to me at dinner.


	2. Squids galore

The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Sat on my own in the Teacher's lounge drinking coffee**

Don't ask why I am up drinking coffee all on my own at five in the morning. It's that bloody squid in the Great Lake. I don't know what it does down there, and frankly don't won't to know, but it makes a hell of a noise at night. A House Elf just came in, took one look at me then ran out again. I am not in the mood for jokes; a giant squid interrupted my beauty sleep and I am now sat in the dark. Why, I hear you shout, is the stupid idiot sat in the dark has he never heard of a light switch? Well yes, I have. But Dumbledore doesn't think it's appropriate that They should have candles when We have proper lights. I suggested to him that he just fits the whole school with lights, but that brat of a Granger walked past and said in a very loud voice to Potter and Weasley.

"Oh. Didn't I tell you, all electrical equipment doesn't work around Hogwarts? I read it in Hogwarts a History."

Hogwarts a what? I am supposing that she was talking about a book, even Dumbledore looked a bit surprised that someone had actually read that drivel, apart from himself of course.

Back to the issue of lighting. It is a bummer that we have to use candles though. The wax gets everywhere and because my hair is so long and sleek it sometimes catches fire while I lean forward over a desk to sneer at someone. That happened just at the end of last year during a first year class full of Hufflepuffs. I managed to hide the fact that my head was on fire by grabbing the bin and running to my bedroom with it over my head. I don't think anyone noticed….

Who am I kidding? Not noticed! How can anyone not notice the arsiest teacher in the whole school running past them with a bin shoved over their head as they sprint for the privacy of their quarters?

Thankfully that happened on the last day of the teaching term so my hair managed to get back to its normal length. McGonagall couldn't stop laughing (I know its hard to imagine her laughing, but stay with it), I managed to snap the handle of my favourite coffee cup while facing her, but I got my revenge when I was passing by her classroom and happened to spot that revolting tartan hat of hers lying on her desk. How it ended up flying out of the window and into the lake, nobody knows. I hope that bloody squid chokes on it.

All this talk about coffee has made me wonder about drinks at meal times. You're a bit stuffed if you don't like pumpkin juice, aren't you? I despise the stuff, I manage to sneak in a flask of coffee and swig it under the table. It's just turned six; McGonagall will come striding in like she owns the place in a few minutes and give me that tight-lipped smile that says:

"Poor dear, did that nasty squid wake you up again?"

And I'll feel like feeding her to it and seeing how much she likes that. I hope she's noticed how many wrinkles she has, she really needs to catch up on some beauty sleep; about ten years should do it. People think I'm stressed out; they should take a look at her.

I had better stock up on caffeine before McGonagall comes in, I can't stand her this time in a morning. That reminds me, I need some more coffee granules for my personal coffee maker in my study….

**Study drinking coffee**

Damn. I got rumbled. I was innocently trying to nick some coffee when in waltzed McGonagall with that smile of hers. I couldn't take my eyes of a massive wrinkle she has going from one ear right across her face to the other.

"Coffee does nothing for your health, Severus." (Smiley, smiley, smiley!)

"I don't know what you mean Minerva." (Early morning 'I can't stop staring at that wrinkle' glare.)

"Then why have you got three jars of Kenco stuffed down your robes?" (SMILE! WRINKLE!)

"Safe keeping."


	3. Stalked by Quirrel

The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**The Great Hall**

I hate this enchanted ceiling. It is in fact snowing and because we have no roof it is snowing into the hall. Not that it actually falls onto us but it is damn annoying anyway. Dumbledore's fault I suppose, or the stupid old farts before him that were headmasters, or the stupid people who made this building. I blame everybody who was here before me who had more authority than me. It's their fault and I am suffering for it.

Everybody is in lessons, but I have got a free period and I thought I would spend my free time marking some work, giving out terrible grades and scaring house elves as they clean but guess what, Quirrel has a period off too and at this minute he is scurrying round the castle trying to find me. I'm actually in hiding and I know that I don't hide from anybody, but Quirrel wants me to read through the book about Erwin. I swear if I hear one more word about that bloody iguana and how it can catch sticks I'll be going after McGonagall's hat.

She has bought a new hat, to be precise FIVE more tartan hats. One even has little bobbles on it. She gave me a triumphant smile as she strutted past with that damn hat perched on her head. I thought no one could strut more triumphantly around than me, but I now have a rival.

Crap. Quirrel is sticking his head around the door; I hope he doesn't see me. Please let him not see me, please! He's seen me.

"Oh Severus!"

I swear he said that and just how you are thinking he said it. Don't be so disgusting.

"I didn't know you would here!"

Course you didn't. Creep.

"Do you want to read through my book?"

No. Smelly Creep.

"I can't think of anything I'd rather do, but unfortunately I have to go and mark some work." (Me shuffling desperately for the door at this minute.)

"But can't you do it later? This is quite important."

(Important my arse.)

"Can't. Have to do it now, or Minerva will have my head." (Me now making violent guillotine motions, still shuffling for the door.)

"But… but…" (Bottom lip starting to tremble. I love making people cry, but seeing a grown man cry is a bit scary.)

"Oh well. Never mind. Bye!"

I am at this minute running down the corridor making sure Quirrel isn't following.

**Safety! At last!**

I'm bored. I'm going to roast some Grangler plant. No, I'm not going to roast Granger, however much I would like to. And Potter, especially Potter. And Weasley. And McGonagall. And Dumbledore. And Quirrel. Along with his iguana. And that damn book. Grangler is a very toxic plant that reeks when roasted. I am going to stink out the castle and blame it on someone else. I haven't decided whom to blame yet. McGonagall? She's stupid and old enough to do something like this. Wait, am I saying I am stupid by doing this myself? Fine, I won't bother. I might as well mark some work. Giving F's to loads of Gryffindors really makes my day whole. Along with five cups of coffee, black with three sugars, make sure you remember that.

**Study**

Finished my marking. I tell you some of them:

Granger- B- (That's the lowest I could get without looking petty. I hate smart Gryffindors, more than I hate other smart people.)

Weasley- F+

Potter- F- (Ha ha ha!)

Longbottom- U (And that's been one of his better homeworks. Usually I throw them in the bin beforehand and save myself time.)

Malfoy- A (Just to annoy Potter.)

Crabbe- B+ (Just to annoy Potter even more.)

Goyle- B (One of the most gormless people I've ever had the misfortune of teaching. Therefore it'll really annoy Potter to see that even someone with the wit of a bag of sand can do better than him.)

Or am I just being nasty and annoying? Yep, and I'm loving it. Better go for lunch, hopefully Quirrel won't be there, I'm going to stick my head around the door just in case first.

**At the teacher's table- currently staring at a bowl of mushed up mushy mush that looks like, well, mush.**

Sometimes I wonder if the house- elves are punishing me for being nasty to them. It's not my fault I kicked the little bog- eyed twerp down the stairs the other night, how was I supposed to know he was there? I was too busy gazing at my impressive profile in a mirror while doing a mildly evil sneer. How was I supposed to know the damn elf was dusting? I bet all my food has been poisoned. Maybe I should complain to Dumbledore? Or not.

Quirrel isn't here by the way, or I would have gone down to Hogsmeade and got some food down there. I think I will actually, this food is seriously off-putting. Yucky, mushy and lumpy. Just how I like it, maybe not.

I've just had another thought while scanning the hall in a mildly menacing way. Potter seems very edgy, he's reading the Daily Prophet and keeps looking around to see if anyone has noticed. Well ha! I'm on to you Potter and I'll find out what you're up to, sooner or later, sooner rather than later admittedly but I will give you a detention for whatever you are doing before the end of the day. That's not a threat, well actually it is, but it's also a promise.

That reminds me, I have to finish the potions for the protection of the Philosophers Stone. Dumbledore wants me to make one to get through black fire, one to get through purple fire, some nettle wine and finally some poison. I asked Dumbledore why not fill them all with poison, that would stop anybody in their tracks, wouldn't it! I might put poison in them all anyway just to spite people, and make me feel better.

I'd better go and get started; it may take me a long time to work out a little poem to go with the bottles. Even that idiot of a Granger won't be able to crack it, not that she'll have a chance to.

Oh no. Quirrel has just shuffled in; if I'm quick enough I can make it out of the side door before he notices me. How good am I?

**The Kitchens**

Thankfully the elves aren't trying to kill me, in fact they have been very helpful and are at this minute making me some dinner that is a) edible and b) Quirrel free. Roast beef does sound very appetising, with jam tart for afters and a cup of coffee. I'm trying to spot the elf I kicked down the stairs to apologise in the least sneery way possible. Which is very hard for me, whenever I see someone who I dislike (nearly everybody) it causes me to swish my cloak out behind me, sneer at them and usually end up telling them off for something. Usually it's not even their fault. What? Of course it's their damn fault, they shouldn't have been put on this planet specifically to annoy me and be in my way. If they don't like me moaning at them, they should bugger off and not give me a chance to moan at them, but then I would call them cowardly so they would never really be free. Uh oh. Just spotted that elf and he doesn't look too happy with me. If there were any windows in the mole- hole I would stare out of it unconcernedly, but just my luck because there isn't.

Wait! There's a mark on the ceiling, which I am currently staring at with all my might. Don't sneer, whatever you do, don't sneer. Well great, you just had to sneer at yourself telling you not to sneer! That elf will probably attack me for sneering at him, why can't I keep my sneers to myself? Just had another thought, I'm scared of an elf, a bog- eyed, big- eared, tea- cloth dressed elf. I am mighty, I am great, let's go kick some butt.

**In considerable pain in my bedroom.**

Have you ever had roast beef tipped down your front? Well I can tell you now, it's bloody painful. I stood up to 'apologise' (in a trying-not-to-sneering way) to the elf and the little scruff who was carrying my roast beef tipped it all down my front! I am currently trying to scrub gravy off my black cloak. I can just see McGonagall's face if I go around with a massive stain all over my front.

"Severus, you have a stain all down your robe."

"It's the fashion, Minerva. You should try it."

Let me help you get the look just right, roast beef or Yorkshire puddings? Both have brilliant results. I need more robes and a plaster for my burnt finger. It's my coffee finger too, how am I supposed to drink coffee with no finger to hold the cup? Through a straw? I'll change then try to find one…

**Still in some pain, still in bedroom.**

Just come back, failed to find a straw, but did find a galleon down the back of that statue of Boris and watched a second year sink into the vanishing step. I almost lost my cool and laughed at her, but regained my sneery posture before sweeping down the corridor, scattering pupils in my wake. I hope she is still in there, unless her little 'friends' managed to pull her out. I hope not. I don't want to be the only one in pain. Have started a book by the way; it's called 'Me and my crap life.' By Professor Snape. Here's the first line.

My life is crap. My only 'friend' is obsessed with his iguana, I have an old bag with too many tartan hats smiling at me the whole time in her sympathetic way and now Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts and I have so far not managed to kill him.

What do you think? That's my life summed up in less than fifty words, I bet not very many people could do that.


	4. Halloween

Chapter four: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**Just finished walking down the corridor giving out evil glares to anybody who looks at me**

It's Halloween. I overheard some first years discussing whether I would be dancing round a cauldron at midnight. I'll give them dancing. Little did they know I was hiding from Quirrel behind a statue of Gordon the Gormless on the third corridor. They didn't half shriek when I stepped out from behind it and coolly informed them that dancing around cauldrons in the middle of the night isn't really my style and taking lots of points off Gryffindors is. I proved this point by taking away twenty points from Gryffindor, each.

Later I was hunted down by a vicious wrinkly old bag, McGonagall, who demanded to know why sixty points had just been removed from her house.

"I was feeling festive." I swooped off down the corridor leaving her gasping like a stranded goldfish. Ha. Nice to see I haven't lost my charm with the ladies. I just called McGonagall a lady. I'm going for a lie down.

**Sat in hall, on my own, feeling unwanted.**

My finger is still in a plaster because of the incident with the house elf and I cannot drink coffee because the cup is too hot for me to balance between three fingers. Trying long- life milk at the minute. I wonder who invented this rubbish. I hate cows.

And what is long life about it? I would have died the minute I tasted it if I wasn't so immune to poison. Time for a flashback?

Many, many years ago… Hang on. I'm not that old. Am I?

I was in my fifth year. It was a Tuesday afternoon, and I had just finished brewing a wart removal potion. Not for me I might add. But it was still a pretty good potion none the less. Potter and the Potties were at the back, making a complete mess as usual. Fang face (Lupin) or Potty Number Three as I like to call him, was actually doing quite well. Me, being me, wished to help my fellow classmates and pass on my expertise. I took a chance to stroll past their table on the way to the ingredients cupboard and whispered, not too quietly.

"If there is ever a chance that you will do this potion right Potty, it would be a FULL, I mean BLUE, moon."

Evil sniggering, stare at Lupin, begin to walk off.

Okay, so maybe it was a tad nasty, but they did push me in the lake the day before. I was halfway down the squid's throat before it realised I wasn't a bit of toast. They were asking for it. The evil snigger was quite ruined however when Sirius' calm voice floated to my ears. He wasn't annoyed. Damn it.

"Think that's funny, Snivellus?"

"Well. Yes. It was actually. You see, that was why I said it."

I was going for a full-blown oily smile, (I hadn't quite progressed to sneering yet) when I was pushed headfirst into Potter's cauldron. He had unmistakeably done the potion wrong because it tasted of fish and it was meant to taste of sweaty feet. I stood up, a bit shaky, but never the less chuffed because I realized something. Potter had made a poison immune potion.

"Let me guess. You added the Wombat entrails before the sheep's eyeballs?"

"Shove off."

"Gladly."

So there we are, the immunity has persisted throughout my life. Which has now been proved by drinking this… substance… and not immediately turning purple and falling to the floor as dead as a smashed cockroach. And you can't get much deader than that.

**Still sat at breakfast table, thrown the milk at Mrs Norris without Filch noticing. I consider this one of my greater achievements.**

The post is coming in; don't come near me you flea-ridden ferrets with wings. I hate owls. What's this? Potty has a package. Oh good, it's hit him and his little side- kick over the head. Haha. I wonder what's in that broomstick shaped package?

A broomstick. Great. I can feel McGonagall's gaze, just daring me to say something.

'Say something. Say something!'

Smash. Crack. The students and teachers turn to watch as my goblet goes flying through the air and hits the wall. That's another one gone. Some of the Hufflepuffs are staring at me, or at the remains of my goblet, which is at the minute scattered over most of the floor. I'm going to go and do some very loud complaining to Dumbledore.

**Stalking along the corridor. Everyone is jumping out of my way. Good. **

Malfoy has just come bounding up to me and said:

"Sir! Sir! Guess what?"

I despise guessing games.

"What, Malfoy?" Who cares?

"Go on, guess Sir!" Annoying Little Berk.

"What?" Bored look, bored sneer, bored voice and bored eyebrows.

Malfoy finally seems to get the point that I don't want to guess. I want to be told.

"Harry Potter has been entered for Gryffindor seeker!"

I know. Why do you think I was smashing cups against walls for, you stupid boy? For your personal entertainment? Because I'm insane and keep getting mad urges to throw things?

"Yes Malfoy."

He seemed a bit surprised that I didn't show more emotion. Maybe ripping the head off a nearby Ravenclaw would have been more appropriate? Or jumping up and down planning death and destruction by various torture methods? Anyway, he toddled off to his next lesson. I wonder if he bleaches his hair?

**Later that afternoon**

Bloody show-off. Potter, not Malfoy. Even though he isn't far behind Potter in the big-headed department. Potter has to make a statement the minute he sets foot in this place,

'Look at me I'm Harry Potter and I can play Quidditch like my scruffy haired pillock of a father.'

I'll just get my own team to knock him out and the match will be ours. I'll go and complain to Dumbledore anyway because it'll be a nice start to my day.

'A complaint a day, keeping the niceties away.' That's one of my more favourite sayings. My other is 'Hate the world, it'll hate you more for it.'

I have to drink pumpkin juice, which I detest with all my being, even more than milk. I wasn't even surprised when I found a dead fly floating round in it. Yucky disgusting stuff. I feel sorry for the fly that drowned in it; out of all the things to drown in, it has to be pumpkin juice.


	5. Halloween feast

Chapter Five: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**Nearly ready to go down to the Halloween Feast.**

This is going to be rubbish. Halloween is a made up festival so that witches and wizards can feel important, even Muggles celebrate it. Dressing up as bats, witches, wizards even Frankenstein's monster. I mean, come on. If you are going to dress up then at least make it look somewhat real. Most witches don't have warts and wrinkles, in the case of McGonagall they do, and dance around cauldrons cackling. I am the only person who dances round cauldrons, and that is very rarely. And I don't own a cat, parts of cats that I have pickled and then bottled in green substances maybe, but not one full alive cat.

I hope Dumbledore hasn't decorated the Great Hall; it looks stupid, bats flying everywhere and depositing 'things' in your coffee. Or pumpkin juice as it is now. I wonder if I still have that bottle of Firewhisky hiding somewhere?

Aha! I've found it, a little dusty, a little mouldy and a few years out-of-date, but I'm sure it'll taste just fine anyway. I'd better pour it into a goblet or McGonagall will do her nut, drinking in front of students, blah, blah and blah. And now I can't find my hat, the one with a splodge of dried blood at the top, and it's my favourite. I NEED that for Halloween, it's my very special hat that I wear every year because it scares people senseless. I'm scarier than the Bloody Baron, he's a ghost and therefore can't harm you or take points away from your house, and I on the other hand can.

Right I'm ready and I have plenty of time to complain to Dumbledore about Harry Potter before the students come down. Mmmm. I'm feeling more festive by the minute.

**In the Great Hall, daring bats to fly to close to me. **

Guess what, Dumbledore got bats. I despise him. I also moaned at him about Potter.

"Headmaster! A moment please." Me, billowing cloak, evil hat, evil pose.

"Yes Severus?" Dumbledore, stroking one of the bats under the chin.

"Harry Potter is a first year and therefore should not be allowed into the Gryffindor Quidditch team. It is a school rule and should therefore be upheld." Me wanting to squish the bat against the table.

"I am aware of that Severus."

Well why the hell aren't you stopping it then you doddering old codger? Get moving and tell that old bag that Gryffindor will just have to find a different seeker. Harry Potter is a first year and therefore cannot be in the Quidditch team. End of argument.

"Slytherin have won the Quidditch for many years, why not let another house have a chance?"

Why not? Why not? I'll tell you why not. Because it is HARRY POTTER! One of the Potties! Potty Number Five! Helllloooooo! Potties are the bane of my live; the want of seeing Potter humiliated is keeping me alive!

"Professor. I must insist." No, really I must.

"Now, now Severus. Why don't we go and enjoy the Halloween Feast?"

Because I don't enjoy anything. What is he wearing? I think he is colour-blind. It's Halloween! Black is the colour! Not orange!

**Some little brats from Slytherin have just come up and presumed that I wish to be associated with them.**

"Sir! Sir! What are you dressed up as?"

Me slowly turning purple as I survey him. Sometimes I despair. What do I look like? A piggin' PUMPKIN?

"Very amusing, Strudel."

What a stupid name, Strudel.

**Sat at the teacher's table, swigging Firewhisky. Quirrel is nowhere to be seen, thank goodness.**

I think McGonagall has rumbled my foolproof 'Pretend Firewhisky is actually Tea' plan.

"What are you drinking Severus?"

"Cat's blood, want to try some? I thought it would be more fitting with the Halloween theme." Haha. Stick that in your cat food and eat it.

"Severus. Really!"

Yes really.

"Really what, Minerva?" Ha.

"Is this really a good example to set the students?"

Who cares?

"I'll go and get some Firewhisky instead then, shall I?"

She gave me the hen's arse look. Don't think I don't know what you call me behind my back! Overgrown bat indeed!

A bat has just shat in my Firewhisky. It's McGonagall's fault. She distracted my attention away from stunning any that come too close.

Quirrel has just come running in shouting about a troll, down in the dungeons. He can't act for his life. I'm going to get some more Firewhisky. I'm sure there is another bottle in that cupboard. Dumbledore can sort this out. I'll just shuffle over here, and slip out this door. McGonagall hasn't spotted me. Potter has, damn it, RUN!

**Back in bedroom, after Halloween Feast. **

Unfortunately Quirrel caught me taking a shortcut through the third floor to get to my room and stuttered out an excuse.

"S…s…Severus! What are you d…d…doing up here?"

I could ask you the same question.

"Mainly making sure all the students have gone back to their dormitories and not gallivanting around trying to kill the troll by themselves. And you?"

"I…I…I was…looking for Erwin."

Yes. Hopefully Hagrid's dog has eaten it.

"Well I'm sure it'll turn up."

"But…But… He will be scared all alone in the dark."

Give me strength.

"It's an iguana."

"But… He has n…n…never been away f…f…from his d…daddy before."

Let him have a holiday, away from you. He's probably run off.

"Fine."

We went along the corridor, peering in various places when I yanked open the door at the end. I heard the lock break and suddenly a massive head sticks out of the doorway covered with hair, I thought it was Hagrid for a minute, until it took a chunk out of my leg. I have probably got rabies. Quirrel stood staring at me while I wrestled the damn dog back and shut the door on it, conjuring a new lock.

"Are you all right Severus?"

Do I look bloody fine to you! Maybe if my leg falls off it might give you a clue. Perhaps you have missed all the blood pouring out of my leg?

"Fine Quirrel. Let's find Dumbledore."

And what do I find, not Dumbledore, but McGonagall stood with the troll at her feet. And who should be stood there, with a grin plastered al over his smug little face? HIM! And his little Potty sidekick and Potterette brain box.

And what does McGonagall do? Gives them five points each! Pah! Quirrel collapsed again, clearly overreacting. Potter stared at my leg from which blood was still pouring. I hobbled off in the most dignified way possible.

**Next morning, in staff room.**

I woke up this morning to find that a bat had followed me to my room. I could hardly run around trying to hit it with a Daily Profit, so I opened the window and tried to shoo it out. Instead as I opened the window, McGonagall's tartan hat hit me square in the face. I peered out and spied the squid waving two tentacles in the air as either a victory dance or a very rude gesture. Then the bat chose that minute to fly out the window and clonked me over the back of the head. I have taken my chances and decided to drink coffee, even if I do spill it everywhere.

I have discovered a book hidden under McGonagall's chair. I was under there because I was looking for a straw. It's called 'The Knight's Bride.' Mills and Boon. Sick.

Look! Look at the drivel they write in these things:

'Their green eyes locked at close quarter and she felt trapped in a green sea of anguish. Slowly, the lashes dropped over the emerald orbs and his lips descended again, this time open and probing. Here was a kiss, not of peace, but of raging need and dark promise. Her insides melted like butter on a hot scone.'

Did they even have scones in 1314? I can't believe McGonagall reads this! It's set in Scotland, and McGonagall is old enough to have been around in 1314. Maybe she is reliving her romantic encounters? Eww. Wrong thought.

Damn. I have just spat coffee all over it. McGonagall is going to kill me. Quick! Hide the book and run.


	6. Lonely hearts

Chapter Six: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**My leg is going to drop off because of that damn dog and I haven't had any sleep.**

I have to teach Potter again today for potions. It's not pretty; blood and gore everywhere and now I have a limp, which ruins my evil sweeping walk. And that Potter gave me a dirty look at breakfast, even after I had said good luck. Okay, maybe the good luck was a little itsy bitsy nasty with a mild sneer but nothing too evil. I have the perfect plan to pay Potter back for giving me evils. Hahahahaha.

I don't want to go down to the staff room; McGonagall is going to kill me very slowly and painfully. She will know it was me, because anyone else would have told her straight away. Maybe I should chuck the book into the Great Lake as well? The squid won't be too happy; McGonagall won't be either, but then again when is she?

I'm bored, nothing to do and I have to face McGonagall sometime today. Actually she isn't that scary, I'm scarier than her and she's the one who reads Mills and Boon, not me.

Damn. While slowly sweeping down the corridor, McGonagall suddenly came out of her classroom and stood smirking at me.

"Severus. Glad to see you haven't been drinking coffee."

Haha. A sneaky statement, well shove this in your pipe and smoke it.

"I haven't drank coffee for a few weeks, but seen as you are so concerned about my safety Minerva, I'll be sure to tell you the minute I can drink it again."

Ha. Severus one, McGonagall zippo.

"I suppose you have seen my Mills and Boon book anywhere?"

Another sneaky question. I'm afraid that I'm not going to confess everything to you.

"No, of course I haven't seen it, maybe the squid ate it?"

Severus two, McGonagall big wrinkly nothing.

"Along with my tartan hat?"

She has got me trapped, how does she know the squid ate it?

"Maybe it has a special fondness for things of revolting twaddle?"

To prove this I could feed you to it and see if it vomits straight away or waits a couple of years for you to digest. I had a dog and his name was Three To Nothing!

"Well if you happen to find it, please return it to me, in the same state that it was before it got lost."

Smarmy cow. Please return it indeed. She must of found it or she wouldn't be asking me such stupid questions.

"Of course I will return it, if I find it that is."

I could always apologise to McGonagall. Anything is possible.

**First break. I'm on duty and it's freezing cold. Annoyed Potter. Go me.**

I hate being on duty, it does give me an extra chance to take points of the little scruffs, but I'd rather smirk at McGonagall from one side of the staff room.

Hmmm. Potter, Weasel and Granger are all stood around something, looking extremely guilty, lets go and annoy them.

Well Potter did have a library book, so I took it off him. I heard him mutter:

"I bet he just made that rule up."

Well I did so ha. And you should try muttering a little quieter; the whole point is so that I DON'T hear what you say.

Anyway, I have second year Hufflepuffs next so I have to practise my sneering for a while in the mirror before their lesson.

**Muhahahaha**.

Lunchtime. In staff room, just had leg re-bandaged by Filch. Potter came in and saw my leg. Scared the Hufflepuffs into hysterics.

You can probably guess from the heading that I am having a reasonable mixed with crap day. Scared all the Hufflepuffs into hysterics while half way through my lesson. I am quite proud of this seen as I have only managed to scare myself into hysterics so far.

This damn leg is so painful. I had Filch redo the bandages, but guess who chose that minute to waltz in? Potter! I quickly thought of something to say.

"How are you suppose to keep track of all three heads at once?"

Great. Now Potter thinks I'm after the Philosophers stone. I may be able to use this to my advantage. Aha, an idea! Why couldn't I of said:

"Did I tell you I'm brewing the key to eternal life later tonight?"

That would of scared the hell out of him. Now he thinks I'm a thief, and an extremely crap one at that. I would simply pour a sleeping potion into that dog's food while it was prepared in the kitchens then sneak in and steal the stone whilst it slept. Not go against a three-headed dog with nothing but my fists and a wand that I can't get to work that well. Potions is my thing, not waving a wand around and shouting hocus pocus, hoping something will happen. I like to know something will happen and pretty damn quickly.

I have to go and shout at my Quidditch team for a while and tell them to give Potter a good kick from me. I love my genius ideas.

**Finished teaching Potter potions, stupid thickheaded boy.**

It is as I suspected. Potter's head is so big it won't fit through the door to the dungeons any more. Okay, so maybe I did shrink it a tiny bit just before he came through it, but it still proves my point of Potter having a big head. Like his father.

Granger quickly saw Potter get stuck (hahahaha) and made the doorway wider for him but I quickly thought of an answer:

"When I want my classroom refurbished, I shall come to you straight away Miss Granger, in the meantime will you leave the doorway alone!"

That made all of the class look up and Granger went red while I sneered contentedly behind her. Hahaha. Thinking about it that would have been a great opportunity to take twenty points off Gryffindor.

I am reading the Daily Prophet in the staff room and I have noticed a 'lonely hearts' page. Come on! If you need a paper to advertise your love you must be pretty sad, lonely (hence the lonely hearts) and very, very ugly.

Maybe I should right in? Only joking! But I am very bored and I don't really have time to go out partying….

I should persuade McGonagall to write in, she must be very lonely.

My brilliant piece for the lonely-hearts page is finished. Now all I have to do is send it in.

Maybe it's a bit long? All the others are three sentences and mine is two pages. I'll let you read it:

Tall, good-looking, clever male is searching for an attractive young female preferably human. To have fun, quality time that you will remember forever. I am a teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and therefore work very long hours and live at the school, but I would have plenty of time to spare for someone I 'love.'

It goes on to explain how great I am and why I would make the perfect boyfriend/husband. I have disallowed any children of any kind. I am not having little brats running around my house. Reading it through I think it may be a little arrogant. Nah, never mind. I'll keep it in here and ponder on whether to send it in or not. What if no one replies? What if another bloke replies? What if Quirrel replies?


	7. Christmas is coming

Chapter seven: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**I have lost the most important thing EVER!**

Arrrggghhh! You know that lonely-hearts thing I wrote yesterday? Well it's gone. What if someone finds it? Reads it and knows I wrote it! They'll know it's me immediately! And I don't have time to find it because of that stupid Quidditch match! It must be in the staff room because that's where I last saw it. Maybe it'll just get chucked away by one of the elves or something? It had better, or I swear I will kill the next person to walk past. Guess who is walking past right this minute? Potter. Haha. Come here Potty, Potty Potter! Maybe I should kick him before the match and then he won't be able to play?

**At the Quidditch match freezing my arse off**

I don't know why they have to have the stands all the way up here. It freezing! I swear I'm frozen to the bench. And the Quidditch match is naff. Slytherin has kicked nearly all of the Gryffindor players but they haven't managed to smack Potter one yet! I ask them to do one thing and can they manage it? Nooooo. Stupid little slugs.

I'm going to end up thumping Quirrel in a minute. He won't stop muttering! I can hear all the Slytherins cheering and laughing. Maybe they have finally managed to kick Potter! Woohooo! Go us! Don't look at me like that you little squirt.

Okay. So maybe I should calm down a little bit? What is that Potty Potter doing? Bloody show-off, not content with avoiding getting kicked by my team, he has to go and make his broom buck while he is on it. Hooligan. No! The snitch is right behind him! Quick Severus, think of a charm to make it go away! Right got one.

Made the snitch go away from Potter, I'll just make it go towards my own seeker, SHIT! I'm on fire and Quirrel still won't shut up! Right, I'm thumping him!

**In bedroom, crying over the remains of my robes**

If I ever find out who set me on fire I will personally disembowel them. That's a promise, not a threat. I would of course blame Potter but he was at the time showing off and not shooting fire at me. I bet it was Weasley. Oh yes, about Quirrel I did manage to thump him and I think he might have a black eye tomorrow. Ha dee ha dee ha. And there's more good news! Potter nearly fell off his broom because the stupid insect wasn't watching the rest of the game, but why didn't Flint hit him in the face? That's what I want to know. I bet the match was fixed. Do you want to know who won? Gryffindor. No, I'm actually being serious. Even after Potter was flung around on his broom he leaped off it, swallowed the snitch in what was shear luck and then landed in a very ungraceful heap on the ground. Hahahaha. You should have seen McGonagall's face; she was smiling (I know!) which made her look like a cracked window when Gryffindor won. She has so many wrinkles it's unbelievable. I reckon she does the whole dancing round cauldrons thing.

The robes I were wearing are now incinerated because of Potter. It was his fault, somehow it was. I don't quite know how yet, I will find out. I'm going to go and practice my evil gloating laugh while pretending to be doing something useful.

**Sat in Great Hall, very annoyed because Potter is a hero andin perfect health**

Bloody boy. Can't even get injured properly. The mail is coming in and a bird is heading straight for me, no in fact three birds are heading for me. Stay away! I may only have a fork to protect myself but I will take one of you down with me! Okay, they have dropped stuff in my breakfast and flown off. Good! And stay away!

A copy of the Daily Prophet and two letters. Who sends me letters? Oh well. Oh My GOD! What has that old bag gone and done? As I am just scanning through the lonely-hearts column I spotted one called 'Old Bat seeks old female or male for lots of fun. Does not have to be human.' You know who that is meant to mean don't you. Me! The report is two lines long stating that I am very boring and old and need someone to 'play around' with. McGonagall is smirking at me from down the end of the table, she has sent this in and she will pay for it. I don't want to open my other letters now.

I'm going to cry. One is from a hag in the back end of Wales and the other is from a female troll who lives in a cave east of Dumfries! Well, at least there aren't any men. Um… Quirrel is looking at me really weirdly. He has the Daily Prophet. Shall I rip it out of his hands, whack him over the head with it then tear it to shreds or whack McGonagall over the head? Both of them I think.

**In staff room, thinking about horrible revenge**

I was contemplating throwing her entire collection of tartan hats to the squid, but seen as she will probably go out and buy some more that are even more revolting I think I will stick with my original plan:

1. Write into lonely-hearts column pretending to be McGonagall

2. Tell everyone (especially Slytherin pupils) that McGonagall has wrote in

3. Put the article everywhere so everyone can read it

4. Point and laugh while looking smug and superior

5. Keep out of her way until she forgets

But there's the problem of elephants never forgetting.

**Okay. Stage one of my plan is complete. And here is the finished article.**

I am looking for a non- human companion that wants lots of children. I am very old and wrinkly and if that doesn't put you off, I can do a great impression of a hen's arse. Please send in your replies to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

She'll never know it was me. Right, now for stage two of my wonderful plan. Send it in and then tell the Slytherins! I love my brilliant plans. Except when they go wrong because that's just annoying.

**Waiting excitedly as the morning post arrives. **

Life is good and life is grand! I have ordered a Daily Prophet just so I can gloat over it. Aha, here it comes now and McGonagall's copy is right behind it. Now all I have to do is sit and wait. Phrase three of my plan will be quite hard to accomplish though, I've run out of blue-tack. I think I will have to use a spell to superglue it to the wall.

McGonagall is nearing the middle of the paper. And she's seen it! The score is now McGonagall one, Severus one! I think I had better get out of here, she looks like she is about to thump someone and I am the only candidate.

**Sat hiding in my cupboard in my bedroom**

It was bedlam after McGonagall read the article. Most of the students read it and guessed it was her so they all sat laughing and whispering and when McGonagall did the whole hen's arse thing they nearly died, Crabbe fell off his chair! I think she guessed it was me. I didn't complete phases three, four or five and now I'm annoyed because they were the best stages!

I'm hungry and cold. Been sat here for about an hour and I can still hear McGonagall rampaging around trying to find me. I knew I should have swiped some sausages but I was too busy running at the time.

I am playing noughts and crosses with myself on the inside of the cupboard. That is how bored I am. I haven't heard McGonagall pounding on the door for about five minutes now. Maybe it's safe to come out?

**Well I was wrong**

McGonagall had gone and in her place she had left the remains of my coffee cup. I hate her. This has gone too far, mashing my favourite mug just as my finger was feeling better is just plain mean. Oh god, I've spotted her striding out to the lake and she's waving her wand at the squid. I'm really worried, that squid is the bane of my life, who knows what terror she is planning with it? I think I'll stay in here for a couple more years until she retires, it won't be too long.

**Sat on bed, thinking about how crummy my life is**

Christmas is coming. I despise Christmas. I don't get any presents, I don't get any cards and I don't get any snogs under the mistletoe. Maybe I could live without the snogs, but the presents would be quite good. But then I would have to buy presents and give them to people and I hate shopping. I hate Christmas. The lights, the candles and especially the fairies! I swear if Dumbledore has little mini fairies again then I will end up setting fire to the nearest thing in range. I hope it's Dumbledore's beard. I hate that beard. It's so long and he gets bits of food in it when he eats and then they get all matted in so he has to cut them out and ends up with chunks missing so he looks even more stupid then when he started.

Maybe I should take up Yoga? Or get a councillor. That's it! I'll go and check the Daily Prophet out for some businesses that specialise in people that moan a lot. Me. Then I can moan to them instead of at you and they can tell me to calm down and then I can moan some more.

I love moaning.


	8. Councillors

Chapter eight: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**You know when McGonagall was talking to the squid? You don't want to know what she has done….**

Well now that I've said that, you probably do. She has told it to wake me up every morning at three o'clock by sitting (or floating) outside my window and making lots of really annoying noises that you can't possibly ignore. Maybe I could slip some poison into the lake, think Dumbledore may notice? I should turn it into a rabbit or something then I could sit and laugh at it. I suppose I could go and make some coffee, which might make me feel better.

**Well it didn't make me feel better**

I have just remembered that SHE BROKE MY COFFEE CUP! Now I have to use this crummy one that says 'best teacher in the world' written all over it. I think it is Trelawney's. Best teacher in the world my arse. Craziest teacher in the world maybe, but certainly not the best. I wonder if I could get one saying 'Leave me alone or regret it'? I'll have to look for one next time I go into Hogsmeade.

**Bored, bored and guess what? BORED!**

I'm bored. It's only 4:30 am and I have to amuse myself for around three hours. I could go and wander round aimlessly for a bit. Nah., that's a stupid idea and it is really boring.

**Wandering aimlessly around.**

This is so naff. Maybe I could go and wake up McGonagall to annoy her? I have a cunning plan…

**My cunning plan turned out to be… very cunning… and it worked! Kind of.**

Hahahaha! Stick that up your hen's arse and smoke on it! My cunning plan was to go and throw sticks against McGonagall's window, which is frankly a bit of a crummy plan. So instead I chucked Peeves into her room, he caused absolute havoc! Throwing stuff, covering everything in ink, ripping books up and the best thing is she can't possibly blame me! Unless Peeves tells her how I threw him into the room. I'd better go and find him to bribe him to shut up.

**I never knew bribing was so hard**

Peeves has just wiped the floor with me and made me realise that I am scared stupid by McGonagall and who can blame me? Peeves wanted thirty Galleons, a new bow tie and me to kick Mrs Norris where the sun doesn't shine. I've given him the Galleons and I think I'll be able to kick Mrs Norris in the Great Hall tonight. I don't know about the bow tie though. I hate shopping. And I still have to sort out that squid, I need to think of something to make (a) McGonagall pay and (b) the squid leave Hogwarts. I am going to go and brood in my dungeon.

**In dungeons holding THE SOLUTION**

I have made the most destructive thing ever and that squid won't know what has hit him. It is a potion that I will slip into the lake water for that squid to slurp up and Bob's your uncle, Betty's your aunt and Tiddles is your goldfish. My plan will be complete. Just noticed while reading over some of my earlier entries in this diary that I have lots of plans and they always go wrong. Well this one is mistake resistant. Unless, of course, the squid doesn't drink lake water. I'll soak some toast in the potion as well just to be sure, that squid eats anything.

"What is this potion?" I hear you shout. Well… I'm not telling you! Hahaha!

**Christmas is coming. It's like a wart, no matter what you do, it keeps coming back and you can't avoid it.**

The castle is covered in about seven feet of snow, the lake is frozen solid so I can't give THE SOLUTION to the squid yet and them stupid Weasley twins have bewitched some snowballs to follow Quirrel round and bounce off his turban. It is actually pretty funny watching Quirrel leg it down the corridor being whacked by snowballs, and I would have laughed if nobody were around. Luckily the owls can't battle through the snow and so I don't attacked in the morning by a flood of owls all wanting a scrap of Professor Snape as a souvenir. I bet they all sit in the Owlrey and plot against me, betting which one of them can peck at me the hardest. At least I have that councillor to moan to for about an hour, I found one in the Daily Prophet and decided to make an appointment, for today. In about three hours actually. I'm quite looking forward to it. I can moan to someone other than myself, and scribble moanings down in here of course. That reminds me, some of the students have started to notice that I carry a book around with me and scribble in it a lot. I shouted at a group of first years, because they were trying to see what I was writing, to stop being nosy or go and be nosy somewhere else. They looked pretty scared. Ummmmm. I wonder if scaring a councillor is possible? What should I call him? (The councillor). How about these:

1. Mr Councillor (Not too chummy, not too nasty)

2. Mr Shrink (Quite nasty, not chummy at all)

3. Mr Money Grabber (Truthful, but still very nasty)

4. Mr Agony Aunt (Funny and nasty)

5. Mr (His last name e.g. Smith. Too formal?)

6. His first name (Too chummy)

7. Thingy (Very funny, but also nasty and annoying)

8. Mr Annoying, don't waste my time (Only joking, I'm not quite that mean. He might start to get annoyed with me after a bit if I keep calling him that.)

I think I'll settle for just avoiding calling him anything. Just hover until he notices me and then speak, then listen to what he says. Ummm. I wonder what he will call me?

1. Mr Snape (That even looks stupid, never mind sounds stupid)

2. Professor Snape (Too formal? I'll think he is a little brat I have to teach all day and shout at him if he calls me professor)

3. Severus (Hope not. That IS too chummy)

4. Thingy (I will not be amused)

Maybe if he just doesn't call me anything and I don't call him anything we will just hover in his office for an hour and ignore each. That might be nice, but also defeat the point of having a councillor in the first place.


	9. Happy birthday to me

Chapter nine: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller. 

**Well this is the most unhelpful thing ever. **

I'm currently sat in an office, on my own. What is the point of coming here? I can sit on my own wherever, seen as no one wants to talk to me. The councillor is the most stupid person ever too.

He keeps going on about bananas. What is all that about? The minute I sat down it was...

"Do you like bananas?"

I looked at him as though he was mad (which I think he is) and he started to scribble in a little pad. I thought quickly.

"No"

Then what did the stupid man say?

"How do you feel about that?"

How do I feel about not liking bananas? What would you say? Or how do I feel about bananas? Or do I think bananas don't like me? I don't like them, end of story. Now get on with something more constructive. Berk. Oh, the door is opening. Great, and he is looking at me extremely weirdly.

"Do you keep a diary or journal Severus?"

Severus! We ain't on first name terms yet and if I have anything to do with it we won't be for a very long time yet. And he is still looking at me as though I'm an alien from another planet. Oh, I know why he's looking at me weirdly! It's because I'm scribbling everything down in here while giving him evils. Do you think I'd better answer him? No, I don't think so either.

What's he doing now? Right, getting a chair from his desk. Why? Wasn't the chair fine where it was? No, don't bother coming sitting next to me, great, that's exactly what he's doing.

"Now Severus, will you let me take a look at what you are writing?"

Not bloody likely. Patronizing git.

"Don't treat me like a child, I am here to complain about my life and you are here to listen to me complaining then tell me everything is okay."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"ANNOYED!"

I think I scared him. Good. He's scuttled back round his side of the desk. I think I'd better stop writing; it makes me look like I've nothing better to do.

**In dungeons, recuperating after my counselling session with a mug of coffee.**

Crackpot. We spent the next hour arguing over why I teach kids when I don't like them. He recommended I should go for another job, when I told him to suggest one suitable for me he shut up pretty quickly. I told him about the squid, Harry Potter, coffee, Harry Potter, my love life (that didn't take long) and McGonagall.

He said I have a problem with Potter. You really must have to have a degree in brain surgery to be able to work that one out. Then he insinuated that I'm in love in McGonagall! I swear if there were anything pointy near his desk at that minute, he wouldn't be able to have children for a long time. After moaning about Potter a bit more he asked the question I knew was coming.

"And is there anyone special in your life at the minute?"

"Is that any of your business?"

I'm sure he was about to say yes.

"No, I'm sorry if you felt I was prying."

But you were prying. I don't think, I know you were. And he kept scribbling in on that piece of paper.

Then after telling him about the squid he said that maybe I should try to establish a friendship with it. I don't think so.

You know on Muggle TV when they have them cards with big splodges on? Well he whipped them out of his filing cabinet and started muttering about never going to work again.

"Tell me, what is the first thing that comes into your head when you see these."

He held up a piece of white card with a splodge on. I sat there trying to think something other than 'This is naff.'

"Umm…"

Think of something. Think!

"A mark on a piece of card."

Well that's going to impress him.

"Okay… And this one?"

Another mark on a card. What would you say?

"It's the same as the last one."

He pretended to look thoughtful.

"Ahhh." You're not Dumbledore, shut it.

"So you feel that these two cards have something in common?"

"Yeh, they are both marks on pieces of white card."

"And how do you feel about that?"

I looked at him as though he was stupid- which he is. I decided to be clever.

"I think they both signify something of importance in my life. Coffee."

That stumped him. He began to look around. Probably for something to whack me over the head with.

"Um… Well, I think that you need to cut back on the coffee for a start, it makes you more nervous and therefore more angry..."

That is the lamest piece of advice I have ever heard. Cut back on coffee, it's the thing that keeps me alive, has he been listening to me or the lamppost outside?

"… And try to establish some friendships within the teaching staff at Hogwarts School."

And that is the second lamest piece of advice I have ever heard. Who would want to make friends with me? Except Quirrel and that is a definite no.

Then he stood up walked over to the door and waited for me to get up.

"I hope I'll be seeing you soon Sever…"

I slammed the door in his face to shut him up. I think I caught one or two of his fingers in the door too but oh well. At least I'm safe from him, and I've got my coffee. Happy days.

**That damn squid will get what is coming to it in the end.**

It's three o'clock in the morning and I have just woken up because of the squid spaying water against the window, making the window rattle. I need some coffee. Bloody thing.

**Bleeding squid. It's freezing cold and I've lost my slippers. **

Stone is not the warmest thing in the world and especially when you have nothing on your feet. At least the lake has unfrozen now, so I can go back to my original plan off Feed the Squid the Potion, Sit Back and Watch it Work.

But I'm still cold; maybe that hot water bottle I got for Christmas (off myself) three years ago is still under the bed?

Yes! It is! Now I have to fill it, a spell for hot water, anyone? This is super- naff. There are no spells I can think of for hot water and I can't be arsed going all the way to the kitchens to get some. Maybe I can find a spell in one of my books?

How to get scorch marks out of tables- Very useful, but no

Do you want perfect straight hair? - Yes, but not at the minute

How to remove warts- I swear that isn't mine

The perfect cup of coffee- Yes! Here it is, a spell for hot water. Now I can be nice and warm.

**In bed with hot water bottle. Nice and happy. Well, as happy as I can be. **

Don't want to get up. It's only half six. I'm hungry. I might pull a sicky. But then I'll get sent up to the hospital wing. I think I'd better get up. I need food, and some sneering therapy.

**Great hall, sneering at some Hufflepuffs who are gawping at me.**

I feel better already. It's quite warm in here, I can sit and sneer as much as I want and Quirrel hasn't come in for breakfast. I shouldn't have said that, here he comes.

"Hello Severus."

Get away from me

"What?"

Get to the point or go away in other words

"I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

What! Tell me he didn't just shout out happy birthday in the middle of the Great Hall while everyone was having breakfast. He did. Maybe if I slide under the table no one will notice. The whole school won't notice me trying to get under the table? It'll never happen. Even Dumbledore is grinning at me like a crazy old man. Wait, he is a crazy old man. Maybe if I ignore him he'll go away and the school will think he is just gone loopy?

"Thank you Professor Quirrel, I wasn't actually going to announce it…"

Good. Now shut up Dumbledore and let me get on with my breakfast

"… But seen as you now all know…"

No! No! No! Shut up!

"… Professor Snape has got a birthday today. I know you are all wondering how old he is? Well he's…"

Arrrggghh! Do something! Something preferably scary.

"Headmaster, I've left the iron on."

The whole school turned to stare at me before erupting into laughter. Real scary, Severus. Brilliant

Dumbledore then did that old grandpa smile (the one they do when they have no teeth) and McGonagall was twittering away next to him. Trying and failing not to laugh. I am going to go and cry in my room.

I exited the hall in the most dignified way possible, but not before Quirrel whipped out a package wrapped in orange paper and tried to hand it to me. I tried to ignore him and make my escape but he insisted on standing in front of me and doing the hurt puppy look. Now I usually like making people cry but not grown men and not in front of a whole school. I grabbed the present and ran (well, drifted quickly because you can't run in long black cloaks.)

**You will never guess what Quirrel bought me.**

"Me and My Pet Iguana called Erwin Part 2- How to teach him tricks."

It might make a nice door stop.


	10. They've broken up

Chapter 10: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**This cannot be HAPPENING!**

Arrrggghhh! Finally I get a good night's sleep and what do I find when I wake up? I have NO BLACK ROBES LEFT! Only these turquoise things that I use as a noise blanket because of that squid, which doesn't work. I'll have to wear them, maybe nobody will notice?

**They noticed. I am never going to go out of this room again.**

Quirrel is stood outside right this minute saying,

"It's okay Severus, the students will come to terms with your new… er… fashion sense. I think it looks really good on you."

I think Quirrel is paying me compliments. And ones that aren't true. I am going mad, madder than I was before now anyway. Maybe I should visit that councillor again?

**Tomorrow 12:00pm**

Right, that's the time of the appointment, with a DIFFERENT COUNCILLOR, a Muggle one actually. I looked one up in this book called 'The Yellow Pages', it's called that because it has yellow pages (clever) and under councillors it had:

NEED TO SORT OUT YOUR LIFE?

(Yes I do)

FEEL THAT EVERYONE IS AGAINST YOU?

(I don't feel, I KNOW they are against me)

THEN CALL US TODAY AND BOOK AN APPOINTMENT

And then it told you the name and address and telephone number. Yes I know what a telephone is, I'm not quite that ignorant. So I floo- powdered back to my mother's house in Oxford somewhere and then rang from there.

**Right, and now to sort out Quirrel, and them students. **

I've finished dying my turquoise robes black and they look fine. Kind of. Okay it's naff, beyond naffness and into the cheapo nasty region. Ever heard of someone dying their clothes different colours? Hey, what would you do? Go into Hogsmeade probably, good point. I'm on my way right now, just need some floo- powder.

**That stupid berk**

Quirrel (the stupid berk) has been stood outside my room all the time I was in Hogsmeade, muttering his creepy little 'comforts'. Turban headed twerp. Hmm. I'm going for some breakfast.

**In breakfast**

Bloody students, the minute I came in they starting whispering. Well I'll give them something to really whisper about in a minute if they don't stop staring at me.

"Yes Miss Abbot?" Ha, that made her think twice about gawping at me like a friggin' goldfish. Maybe I should take some points of her house too just to make sure she has the point. Uh oh. Quirrel just asked me how I liked his book.

"It's, what's the word… Different." Yeh different in what way I have no clue because I haven't actually read it, oh well Quirrel will never know. Unless he asks me a really awkward question that only someone who had was actually sad enough to read the book would know, like he is now.

"I have a lot of classes to be terrorising, must be going." Well that's got me a bit of time, gullible or what.

**It is absolutely FREEZING down here! **

I'm in my dungeon and it is cold, very cold, actually it's extremely cold down here! I'm going to do a heat insulation charm so I'm warm and all the students can freeze to their seats while I'm toasty warm! Guess what, Gryffindor and Slytherin first! Well yay, what are the odds that Malfoy will say something cocky and really irritating to annoy Potter? My thoughts exactly.

**I was right, aren't I always? **

Well all Malfoy did was whinge to anyone who would listen (Crabbe, Goyle and Parkinson) about Christmas and how he was going home to daddy and mummy and getting lots of different Christmas presents. I almost felt like crying- I don't have a mummy and daddy to go home to. They disowned me when I was in third year. Me being in Slytherin wasn't the best thing I could have done to please them. Anyhoo. Malfoy then started going on about people who were staying at Hogwarts for Christmas (i.e. ME)

"I do feel sorry, for all those people who have to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas because they're not wanted at home."

That's what Malfoy said, obviously looking at Potter while the two planks next to him chuckled their heads off, but what about me? I have to stay at Hogwarts with McGonagall the old bag. And I'm not wanted at home. If I wasn't so thick skinned I could be very upset by that.

THEN at the end of lesson, as if Malfoy hadn't caused me enough upset he went and picked a fight with Weasley. Hagrid- the overgrown bucket that he is- was moving a fir tree (I hate those things) to somewhere and Malfoy had to say some clever remark about Weasley wanting to live in Hagrid's 'house.' Well Weasley went for Malfoy just as I came up the stairs. (Well actually I was lurking at the top of the stairs because I knew something was going to happen and I didn't want to miss it. I think I have a sixth sense…) Now me being me, I never miss a chance to take points of Potter and Weasley so off came five. Ha! Stick that in your rabbit home and smoke on it!

**What have they done to the Great hall? **

Look at it! Holly and mistletoe everywhere, TWELVE of them HORRIBLE friggin' Christmas trees, covered in icicles and candles! Flitwick the stupid little man is putting GOLDEN BUBBLE round one of them! The world has gone mad! This is a SCHOOL!

**They've broken up! **

Yeh! Finally, I can get some peace! Well all the schoolies have beggared off home leaving me to enjoy Christmas on my own by the fire. Oh, I bet you're wondering what is happening with the squid? Well yesterday I went to the lake and poured in the SOLUTION and hopefully it has worked, I am just about to go out to the lake and check on the squid and ask it about it's love life. Ha, ha, ha, I love me. Who doesn't?


	11. Muggles

Chapter eleven: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**That friggin' squid is going to get its comeuppance one of these days!**

I don't believe it! Oh great, now I sound like a friggin' Muggle, horrible things. You know the squid, you won't believe what it has gone and done- fallen in love with me because of that damn potion. It wasn't really my fault, it was meant to fall in love with the first person it saw which I thought would be McGonagall, but it wasn't. It was me. So much for getting McGonagall back for keeping me awake. And the squid keeps sending me lots of presents from the Daily Prophet, which is okay but just not very flattering. I'm seeing that Muggle councillor today as well, told Dumbledore I have to go to the dentist, don't think he believed me.

**Right, I'm all set for the councillor, just need some floo powder**

Cleaned my teeth, brushed my hair, dry- cleaned my robes using magic and got my appointment card thingy. I'm sure I've got a cold coming on. And I've run out of floo- powder, I'll go and ask Quirrel for some. Actually, that's a bad idea. I think I'll go and raid the stockroom instead.

**This is even more stupid than the wizard councillor. Not surprising really. Muggles. Pah.**

Great. I'm sat in a cramped waiting area that smells of wet dog, I've got people on all sides of me squishing further into the corner and I've got another five minutes to wait for the councillor. Muggles are so disorganised. I despise them, I despise most people but I despise Muggles more than usual. And I am actually PAYING for this torture; maybe this is part of the therapy? Torture the person so they decide they aren't actually that ill and choose to go home. I know your game; I'm going to sit here as long as it takes. Well, ten minutes maybe.

**Get me out of here! NOW!**

Ahhhh! She is the most annoying, patronising, scabby, meddlesome, nosy person I have ever met! I have had to come in and sit on this long dodgy couch thing that puts you in a cramped position and talk about PERSONAL things with her! The first thing she said immediately told me she was a nosy old bag was this:

"Hello Mr Snape, and how are we today." The original Muggle greeting, meaning make it short because I'm really not arsed about how you feel, I just want your money. And MR SNAPE! What kind of a name is that?

"So, explain a little about yourself." Well seen as I am the most boring/weird person you ever likely to meet I didn't really have much to say.

"I'm a professor at a school." How exciting am I? I can see her dropping off right this minute.

"Okay. Do you enjoy working at this school?"

"No." You weren't expecting that answer were you. Ha. Mr Snape: one, nosy old bag falling asleep in her chair: zippo.

"Then why do you work there? Surely you could find another job that you would enjoy a lot more and would stretch you to your full potential?"

"I want another job but someone else has it and he wears a turban. Dumbledore won't get rid of him so I can have the job." The woman looked a bit surprised.

"And what do you do to try and prove you would be better at this job than the man who already has it?"

"Complain. A lot." At least I tell it like it is.

"Umm. Is there anyone special in your life?" Changing subjects are we? I know what you are trying to do- catch me off guard. Well tough because it's not going to happen!

"Apart from the love-sick squid, no." I could hardly contain the laughter building up inside of me when I saw her face after telling her that. But I haven't laughed in fifteen years; I'm not going to start now.

"And who is this 'squid'? Do youreturn their feelings?" Return their feelings? NO! It's a squid. I pretended not to hear her.

"So, Severus." Whoa. First names? Who gave her that idea? Definitely not me.

"What do you do outside work?"

"Pickle animals body parts." I don't think she heard me, I hope she didn't anyway. I might get put on a psychiatric ward and I know what the Muggles on them are like. Pretending to look after you while really they are just laughing at everyone.

"Anything else, a little more…umm… relaxing?" Do I look relaxed to you? I am the furthest thing from relaxed.

"No." I think she is waiting for me to say something else. Tough, I'm not going to.

"Um…" She's thinking of something else to say. My elbow is itchy. Well that was a mistake.

"Do you want to tell me about that tattoo?" Er… No.

"It's nothing to do with you." Super Sneer, curl the lip, and shake hair out of eyes. God I'm gorgeous. And quite scary.

"Okay... Do you always wear black?" Don't you DARE whinge about my dress sense; I have a very wide range of clothes, all in black admittedly but oh well. I'm sure Quirrel only has one turban that he wears all the time. I bet he has ginger hair or something.

"Yes."

"Why?" Because I want to, obviously.

"Do you feel black represents your mood?" No. It represents me all over.

"Yes." It's easier to just agree with her.

"And why are you always in a depressing mood?" It's your job to find out why, not mine to tell you. Work for your money for once.

"I do not know."

"Do you have any friends outside work?" I don't have any friends inside work, never mind outside work.

"No." I'm a sad case aren't I?

"Tell me about your childhood."

"My childhood has nothing to do with this. Or you." Maybe that was a bit rude. Oh well, I'm sure I will get over it.

"Do you get a good nights sleep?"

"No, the squid keeps me awake." Great now it sounds like I have a serial squid stalker. Actually I do.

"How is your sex life at the minute?" What? Keep your nose out of my non-existent sex life.

"Fine." Change the subject or risk a slap. It's your choice. Make a good one.

"Right Severus, well I'm going to write down some notes and give them to the receptionist who will read them to you and explain them.

**Back home. Relaxing.**

In the bath, not a pretty sight I know. The councillor told me to relax so I am. I have lavender candles round the edge of the bath and they absolutely stink, I have been told to cut down on the coffee and try to get a social life/friends. I am still working on the second and third points. It cost me about £400 to see that councillor! And then I had to buy all this relaxation rubbish too. I don't think I'm going back there again.

**Christmas Eve**

Christmas is here which I am not glad about and I have to join Dumbledore and some squirts from the other houses for Christmas Dinner. I hate Christmas Dinner.


	12. Christmas Day

Chapter Twelve: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Christmas Day. I'm ecstatic with excitement.**

Well this is bloody brilliant this is. Here's a list of my Christmas presents.

A chewed pair of socks (from a Hag) A soggy tartan hat (from the Squid) A new coffee cup (from me)

You can tell I'm going to have hours of fun with my presents. Maybe the coffee cup, it is about twice the size of a normal one so I can fit twice the amount of coffee in it. That means I can drink twice as much as I do a normal day with a normal naff coffee cup.

**Ahhh! I have found a drink that is BETTER than coffee!**

Haha! All the flavour, none of the caffeine, and this is hot chocolate. Dumbledore had some in the staff room today so I whipped up a cup with little marshmallows in it and it was lovely. Scrap that, gorgeous! I'll have to go into Hogsmeade and order some hot chocolate powder stuff. And more milk.

**Crummy little crackers.**

Someone kill me please. And hurry up about. Dumbledore has just got a flowery bonnet, and is wearing it and is laughing his hairy head off at it. It wasn't even that funny. When the house elves said 'flaming Christmas puddings' I didn't think they're meant burnt to a cinder. Perry Weasley (I think that's his name, it might be Patrick or Percy or something like that) has just found a sickle embedded in his, I hope it breaks his teeth. No such luck. Oh help, McGonagall and Hagrid are both drunk, and Hagrid is slobbering all over McGonagall while she sits there giggling. I suppose she doesn't get any attention from anyone else. Actually, I think a student about thirty years ago fancied her but she got a little creeped out after her tartan hats started disappearing by the dozen then reappearing in his bedroom.

**Quirrel is trying to get me to laugh.**

And he isn't doing a very good job of it. What is Dumbledore's fascination with Christmas? Why doesn't he just the students a morning off then send them all back to lessons in the freezing cold dungeons? Now that's my kind of Christmas.

**Bloody kids.**

If them Weasley's don't stop throwing snowballs at my window, they will get something thrown back at them and I promise it won't be a snowball!

**Can't sleep, think I'll go and wander round.**

Bored. Can't sleep. I think I'll go and wander round in that creepy way that only I can manage to perfect. Then stand in the shadows and spy on Mrs Norris as she wanders past with those massive eyes. I wonder why she is called Mrs Norris? Where's Mr Norris gone? Probably left her, I would if I was married to that mangy thing. Mrs Norris not McGonagall, but then again I wouldn't get married to her in the first place, I bet Filch doped his water or something.

**The darkness is dark, the quietness is quiet.**

It took me a long time to think that up, stood about two corridors away from the library, no students have showed up yet so I can scare the hell out of them while taking points away, giving them detention and threatening to expel them. I love the last bit, it'll probably never happen but I can always hope. Ahhh! What the hell was that? Someone was screaming and it was coming from the library, right whichever little scruff is in there is in for a smacking. That scared the hell out of me, and that isn't good for a person with blood pressure as high as mine is.

**Well that was weird.**

Apparently there was nothing there, Filch came sprinting up and met me just as I reached the end of the corridor and said in his creepy voice with them very mouldy teeth:

"Somebody has been in the library in the restricted section, I found this."

Then he holds up a mashed lamp. Do I look bothered about a lamp, or where the little beggar was? I just want to catch them then go and whinge to Dumbledore about them being out of bed. Then I heard breathing extremely close to us, so I pretended to stretch and yawn, but I didn't hit anything so it must have just been Filch wheezing or something. I bet it was Potter, showing off by being out of bed. I bet he is up in that common room laughing with his little friends, arrrggghhh! I swear if I ever get my hands on the little squirt I'll… I'll… (I'll think of something in a minute). Oh go away Mrs Fleabag, I think I'd better go and lie down before I hurt myself. Beware Potter; I've my eye on you, all of them.

**Great. This is just bloody great.**

You won't BELIEVE what Dumbledore has just asked me.

"Severus, I think YOU should referee the next Quidditch match. You need to COMMUNICATE with the students more, you are too SEPARATE and many of them are SCARED of you. By refereeing the match you should become CLOSER to the students and some of them may even LIKE you."

Oh and that is my only goal in life, to get a bunch of whinging kids to like me. The words I've written in capitals are the words that Dumbledore emphasises in that really annoying voice he has. I think Dumbledore should become a Muggle councillor; he'd be better than that stupid man I saw first. So that's final, I'm refereeing the next Quidditch match, Gryffindor against Hufflepuff. I think I'm going to be biased, against Potter and his little chums of course. I might have to be NICE to the immature little Quidditch playing nerds, but that doesn't mean I can't get some satisfaction out of seeing Hufflepuff win. And if I see Quirrel muttering to himself like a turban headed twit I can easily hex him from above the stadium, nobody will ever know. Hee, hee, hee.

**Following Potter round. It's becoming quite funny.**

Ha. Decided to follow Potter round whenever I have a free lesson, it is really starting to creep him out. He turns around and I'm there. Glaring at him with my big black cloak. Heard a fifth year call me an, 'Overgrown bat' yesterday. I am quite pleased really; an overgrown bat is just the image I wanted to portray. Maybe I should get some of those plastic fangs that Muggle kids have and smear some of Dumbledore's secret tomato ketchup stash on my chin? Or is that just sad? Oh, Potter is on the move again. I have to go and sneer at him and Weasley.

**Potions with Potter next. Haha, happiness here I come.**

Lovely, lovely, lovely. Being horrible to Potter is my favourite hobby, well just after pickling body parts and storing them in jars of course. He keeps looking at me strange, he probably thinks I'm trying to read his mind or something. Now that isn't a bad idea…

**Oh great. Dumbledore keeps popping up and asking me really annoying questions.**

"Oh Severus, still planning on refereeing the match I HOPE? Are you looking FORWARD to it? I am. I hope you have read up on the RULES of the game, it has been a while since YOU last played.HaHA.Gryffindor against Hufflepuff. Isn't it EXCITING?"

No! It's a piggin' nuisance you old fool. You and your half-moon glasses and manky old beard and stupid way of emphasising words that you think are IMPORTANT.

"Yes Headmaster. I am really looking forward to refereeing the match." Bored voice, maybe he has the idea that I couldn't give two flying pigs arses?

"Good. Hope you are going to play FAIR?"

You said that like I didn't know the meaning of fair. Maybe I don't, I'll go and look it up in a dictionary.

Fair- (fairness)

1. Just, unbiased and reasonable.

2. In agreement with rules.

3. Fair play- a standard of honourable behaviour

4. Fairground- open space used for a fair

I don't think the last one is important. Okay, so I have to be fair and unbiased, following the rules and reasonable. Pah, I don't think so…


	13. Quidditch Match

Chapter Thirteen: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**Time to play Quidditch. **

Watch out Potter, I'm a man on a mission. To squash the Gryffindor Quidditch Team with one fell swoop. Slytherin have won the Quidditch cup for years, I'm not letting a little brat like you ruin it for me.

**Stood outside with the Quidditch balls. Sounds very rude. Don't care. **

Waiting for the little sprogs to get their arses out here so I can get this over with. Dumbledore has come out to watch as well, I hope he sits beside Quirrel and then he will realise what a bumbling idiot Quirrel is. Then he might be a bit more sympathetic towards me; after all I'm the one who Quirrel follows round, he might even send him to a loony bin. Oh, the students are all coming filling up the stands, I had better put this book away, can't keep writing while I'm dodging Potty Potter on his bucking broomstick.

**It's bloody cold out here**

Arrggghh! I can't believe I agreed to do this! I must have been out of my exceptionally large brain! Oh great and now they are all trooping out. Stupid weather. Stupid kids. Stupid Dumbledore. Stupid life.

**Gryffindor won- again**

No matter what I try to do Potter always manages to out smart me. Lucky bugger. And even after one of them Weasley's launched a Bludger at me, awarded Hufflepuff a penalty for it though, it's just a good job that I have amazing flying skills. Unlike Potter. Then I awarded another penalty to Hufflepuff for no real reason, I just felt like it. Then the little shit went straight for me! I didn't know which way to turn! Bludgers being hurled at me from all directions and Potter heading straight for me at about thirty miles an hour. I swear if I ever needed coffee I need it now. Anyway Potter spotted the snitch just before he hit me so he swerved off and caught it, therefore letting Gryffindor win the match. Then after the match Dumbledore went over and CONGRATULATED HIM! Talk about Head teacher's pet! He doesn't come over to me and congratulate me for narrowly missing certain death. Oh no, but he goes and congratulates Potter for doing his job.

"Well done HARRY. Nice to see you haven't been BROODING about…" He was whispering at this point so I missed what he was saying. "…Been keeping busy. EXCELLENT." Creepy old fart. Especially when he does that whole winking thing. Does he think it makes him look cool or something? Yo dude. How about, NO!

**Have to go and meet Quirrel. Lucky me.**

God. Arranged to meet Quirrel after I've had some coffee to discuss the squid. He's defence against the dark arts teacher so he can sort it out. It's his fault anyway, I'm not too sure how it is his fault yet, but I'm sure I will think of something.

**He's late. Bloody typical.**

He might not have anything better to do than loiter around in shadowy clearings looking decidedly creepy but I do. Finishing my book for instance, it's a crime novel. Oh, here he comes now. Hurry up and get your arse down here, NOW!

"D-don't know why you wanted t-t-to meet me here of all places S-Severus." Stop stuttering, it distracts me from the matter in hand. Annoying twit.

"I thought we would keep this private." I don't want the WHOLE school knowing the squid's in love with me.

"B-But Severus, I…"

"You don't want me as your enemy Quirrel." Menacing glare, step towards Quirrel, I should take up threatening people as a career. Wait, I already have.

"I-I don't know what you…"

"You know perfectly well what I mean!"

Bloody right you do! Or else something might happen to that Iguana that you don't want to happen to it.

"Come on Quirrel. Do your little bit of hocus pocus. I'm waiting."

And hurry up about it!

"B-But I d-don't…"

"Very well. We will have another chat soon, when you have had chance to think about where your loyalties lie." Icy voice, glare at Quirrel, twirl round and stride out. Note to self: Don't fall over. Ruins the whole effect.

**Me or the squid, me or the squid.**

It's not a very hard choice. The only reason I need Quirrel's help is because of that bleeding squid. It always manages to ruin everything I have planned, whether it is running McGonagall's life or ruining McGonagall's life.

**Easter hols. Fluffy bunnies and chocolate eggs.**

Neither of which are going to have anything to do with me. Unless I get an Easter egg of the squid, I seriously hope not. Maybe Dumbledore will let some rabbits out all over the castle like he did last year? Then I can grab some while nobodies looking and make a rabbit stew out of them? Did last year. Everybody blames it on Mrs Norris when a few 'accidentally' go missing. I'm sure Mrs Norris knows it's me though. When Dumbledore goes on a rampage and accuses everyone of nicking his rabbits, she kind of stares at me, as though daring me to own up. Never do. It's her own fault for always looking so suspicious. And I'm great at lying of course. That always helps.


	14. Holiday

Chapter fourteen: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**I can't get to sleep.**

I knew reading before bedtime was a bad idea. I have read about half of that crime book that I mentioned before and someone has just been decapitated. Now usually I'm all for decapitation, but did the author really have to go into so much detail? Three people have already been killed off, including the main-character's best friend's sister's dog that I was getting quite attached to. Now I can't sleep, I just keep thinking that the mad axe-man is in my room and is going to kill me or something equally as horrible. I already know that the killer gets killed himself by the main-character's best friend's dog who attacks him after almost being shot because I read the end of the book. What? I do that with all books, and then I can say that I have read them, tell the ending then look really superior. I like ruining the ends of books and films for other people. I plan it so that I can tell them the end of it before they see it or read it. God I'm annoying. I'm also wondering how come so many people end up dying in these crime books. It's like that Muggle programme- Midsomer Murders. People are dropping like flies and no one seems to care, and it's on every week so people must move into the empty houses pretty quickly. I bet they don't know about five people have died there before hand. I need some coffee.

**Wandering around, armed with wand and a pan**

I don't know what I was doing arming myself a pan. It's what people in movies do. I'd be better with an ogre, unless the ogre turned round and attacked me of course. At least I have my wand; I can perform some spells with that. Oh good I'm at the staff room, at last. Now I can settle down with some coffee and I might find a non-scary book that one of the other 'teachers' has left behind:

Me and My Pet Iguana called Erwin Part 2- How to teach him tricks

There is no way I am reading that. Ha, I found out a few nights ago from somewhere that there is a film called 'Night of the Iguanas.' Quirrel will be thrilled. How sad are some people?

There's another Mills and Boon novel:

Dance with the Devil

Hmm. Don't let the title fool you; it'll be as soppy and sex-driven as ever. Disgusting stuff.

The Thunderbirds- Past and Present

How sad are some people around here? Thunderbirds! I bet its Dumbledore's. I suppose I will have to force myself to read that Mills and Boon drivel. Still better than the 'Thunderbirds rubbish.'

**This is complete mush!**

This is absolute twaddle! I'm going to read more to see if it gets any worse. Which it will. I've read the end. I'm going to tell McGonagall what happens just to annoy her, but then she will know I've been reading her books again. You just can't win with her around.

**McGonagall is one of the most spiteful and arrogant people I know. Except for myself.**

Right, I was just sat in the staff room, merrily minding my own business. Merrily being slightly less bad tempered than usual, and McGonagall comes striding in, throws her self into the chair opposite from me and tells me I need a holiday, one preferably as far away from here as possible. That was just uncalled for, and who says I need a holiday? I bet it was Dumbledore and he sent McGonagall after me instead.

"Severus?" Yes you old bag?

I stare at her with my gorgeous back eyes, which are now full of malice.

"Yes Minerva?" Icy glare. I'm getting better at this.

"I think you need a holiday." Me sat there, trying to stop myself from grabbing the book on Iguanas and throwing it at her.

"A holiday Minerva?" Me? Holidays? Do I look like someone who lies on a beach wearing flowery shorts?

"Yes, myself and the headmaster feel that you have been shut up in the castle too long." I knew it. I knew Dumbledore had something to do with it. I think him and McGonagall have got something going on. That conjured up some pretty awful mental images that are just too horrific to describe.

I need to think of a clever answer for McGonagall. Clever answer, clever answer, can't think of one.

"If I chose to be shut away in the castle then it is up to me." That didn't sound childish.

"When was the last time you went outside and into the greenhouses to look at the flowers?"

The only interest I have in flowers is when they die and begin to rot. Do I look like a flower kind of person to you?

"Never McGonagall, and I intend to keep it that way." McGonagall's doing the whole 'I knew I was right,' smile. I hate that smile. In fact I hate all kinds of smiling except when I'm the one smiling and it is an either smug smile or a super smug smile.

"The headmaster has looked through his records and you have three years of staff leave that you haven't taken yet. I suggest you take a very long holiday while you have the chance."

What? And let all the little children have potions with out me? Never.

"I am perfectly capable of deciding when, where and for how long I wish to have a holiday. If at all. Now please keep your nose in your own business and out of mine." Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Now I have to go and sort out Dumbledore.

**Trying to find Dumbledore.**

Why is it that whenever you don't want Dumbledore to appear he is always there and when you need to speak to him, he is nowhere to be found? I have traipsed round this castle three times already and I still haven't found him. I bet he is breaking into Gringott's right this minute, knocking goblins out of the way while he sprints for the exit, large sacks of jewels in tow. Then he can come back here and take McGonagall off to the Amazon or something for a few years. Then I can take over Hogwarts as Headmaster Snape and forge a new mighty army of disobedient squirts that will probably sit around doing nothing while trying to think up horrible names for me. Wait… They already do that.

**Found him. At last.**

Alas, Dumbledore wasn't breaking into any banks so it looks like McGonagall will be with us for some time still. Pity. Anyway, what Dumbledore was doing was talking to the House Elves about arranging a surprise private party for McGonagall because apparently it is her birthday. Dumbledore wouldn't tell me which but I bet she's over sixty. Actually seventy. At least. Maybe eighty. McGonagall doesn't know about the party so I'm going to tell her and ruin it for her. I'm in Dumbledore's office at the moment waiting for him to come back.

"Ahhhh Severus." And he's starting already with the ahhhing.

"What can I DO for YOU?" I don't know. Stop talking in that stupid way. Stop emphasizing things. Stop leering at me like the stupid leering thing you are. Stop twinkling your eyes at me; it's very off putting. Stop saying ahhhhh.

"I was just talking to Minerva in the staff room, Headmaster and she tells me that you think I need a holiday."

"Well Severus. When WAS the last time you ACTUALLY went OUTSIDE?" I don't know. Last year, last decade, last millennium? I don't know!

"I stuck my head out of the window last week to shout at some students." He didn't look too impressed with that.

"Ahhh well, light is one of the KEY factors to human SURVIVAL Severus."

And? Do I look human to you?

"Headmaster. I have survived without direct sunlight for many years. I'm not going on holiday!"

"YES you ARE Severus."

"I am not headmaster."

"I think it would BENEFICIAL if you considered…"

"I AM NOT!"

"It was ONLY a suggestion Severus."

Ha. That sorted him out.

"Oh and please don't tell Minerva about her party."

Darn it.

**Back in staff room. Super smug smile in place. **

"Did you speak to the Headmaster then Severus?" What? How did McGonagall know? I'd bet anything she was spying through the keyhole.

"Yes Minerva, and the headmaster and I decided that I do not, in fact, need a holiday." Was that a snort? Who snorted? Ah. Poppy the Popsicle. I knew you never liked me. Why don't you go back to your hospital and leave me alone?

"And I presumed you sorted it out like responsible adults?" No.

"Of course Minerva. Just like we normally sort things out." She's giving me evils now. Serves her right. I should tell her about her party. But then she would go running to Dumbledore and I'd be packed off to some holiday resort somewhere quicker than you could say 'teacher favouritism.'

**Exams are only eight weeks away.**

How I love exams, piling on more homework, working the little squirts until they fell like dropping dead, continuously annoying them throughout the exam then telling them their pitiful results and smiling with malice as they look disappointed. McGonagall's party is tomorrow too. I have got a present. Dumbledore insisted on it. He called me to his office and said.

"Ahhhh Severus. I know you are PLANNING on coming to the PARTY. But you really must get Minerva a PRESENT." Right. He didn't specify what kind of present though. Hahaha.

**I've just been summoned to Dumbledore's office again. Wait a minute.**

"Ahhh Severus." Can't he get a new opening for the sentences? Ahhh Severus doesn't really make you think of exciting conversations. And it really gets on my nerves.

"I just want to CLEAR something up. You MAY have misunderstood me while talking about MINERVA'S present. I HOPE you weren't thinking of getting a, let's say, NOVELTY present. Were you? Because I know YOU and Minerva don't really SEE eye to eye. Ha ha." Damn. Dumbledore knows me too well. I bet he can read minds.

So know I have to order something else and get it for her. I could always not go to the party. But there is going to be alcohol there and I am never one to miss a chance for free booze. I'm going to order her a book, something reassuringly mushy and romantic. Yuck. I have to get her a card to. Bummer.

**McGonagall's party in two hours.**

I have a new black cloak on, McGonagall's present and card and I don't think there is anything else. Let's go.

Dumbledore has put a sound charm around the room so none of the students will be able to hear us. I think Filch is patrolling the corridors with that mangey cat of his.

Some people are so insulting! I came through the door and Poppy the Popsicle was stood there with Sprout. Poppy took one look at me bent toward Sprout and said:

"I never knew it was fancy dress."

Quite obviously and quite loud. Sprout started chuckling and then they both drifted off toward the buffet table. Fancy dress! I have never been so insulted in all my life! Well, maybe a few times, but fancy dress! It is something being called an overgrown bat, but something completely different your outfit being called fancy dress. I wear this style every day. Do I always look like I'm in fancy dress? Or am I reading too much into this? I need a drink.

Oh no. Quirrel is making a beeline straight for me. Head for the drinks table Severus. Ha. Got away from him and have found a large glass of Whisky. Mmmm. Heaven.

"ENJOYING yourself Severus?" Well I was until you turned up.

"Yes Headmaster. Where is Minerva? I have her birthday present." Well the wrapping paper was a bit torn by now but tough. It's Quirrel's fault.

"Ahhh. She will be ALONG in a MINUTE. We are going SURPRISE her." Or give her a heart attack.

Hagrid just came rushing in and told us that she is coming along with Trelawney right this minute. Dumbledore turned off the candles with a flick of his wand and we all waited for her to arrive. We all screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY (all apart from me that is) as she walked in. I swear she nearly did have a heart attack, grabbing her throat and trying to breathe properly. Then she went up and started hugging everyone. Pointedly missing me out which I was very glad about. Then we all started to give her presents. I went up, held out the present and card, waiting politely until she had unwrapped them then went back to the drinks table. I swear she smiled at me as she unwrapped her present. Well, near enough a smile anyway. I need another Whisky.

**Morning after. Feel terrible.**

Can't remember most of it. Still sat in bed trying to see around me. Got a splitting headache. I hope McGonagall has got a worse one than me. She had at least twice as much as me to drink. What the hell is Quirrel doing lying on my couch? I'm going to get out of here while I have the chance.

**In the staff room. Trying to piece together what happened last night.**

We have all got splitting headaches and are all talking in whispers. Apparently Quirrel lost his key and so asked if he could sleep in my room on the couch. Me being half drunk at the time agreed and so that's why he was still there this morning. McGonagall was reading the book I gave her this morning. I am honoured. Kind of.

It's a good job it's a Saturday. That means that I can just relax and get rid of my headache all today.

**Ha! That stupid Weasley has gone and got bitten! **

Apparently his hand is all swollen and green. Serves him right for being a Weasley. Stupid boy. Maybe I could bribe Poppy the Popsicle into not curing him for a while. And Gryffindor is one hundred and fifty points down from last night. That means Slytherin are in the lead. Go us, go us. What do I mean 'go us?' Go me, go me.


	15. Exams

Chapter fifteen: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**Sat writing the potions exam.**

Currently looking through the textbook for the potion that has the least information about it. Or nothing at all. Keep them on their toes. Amuse me. Preparation for next year. They need it. I'm going into Hogsmeade in ten minutes to get some new shoes. New shoes are always the squeakiest and it really annoys people when you wear squeaky shoes. I'm going to attach metal bits to the toes so they squeak AND tap at the same time. Man I'm evil.

**That was just scary.**

And I can't say that about many things. Except myself of course. I have just been chased the full length of the Great Lake by the Giant bloody Squid, and I now know what they mean by 'Giant.' I never took any notice of it before now, but it is hard to ignore a fifty-foot object hurtling towards you from the middle of a lake while baying for your blood. I think it wanted to know why I hadn't replied to its numerous requests for a date. Well I ended up sprinting the whole length of the lake before escaping onto Hogwart's drive. Hopefully none of the students saw me, but now I have an enraged Squid to avoid for the next fifty years. I think I will need to have another 'talk' with Quirrel. Or more precisely another threatening session with Quirrel. While being chased by the squid I managed to get soaking wet and covered in mud from much slipping and sliding. Now I think about it, why didn't I just run away from the lake? It's not like the Squid could jump out and run after me on its many tentacles. God I'm stupid. What am I saying? I'm brilliant! Going into Hogsmeade now, to get them shoes and a large Firewhisky from the Hogs Head.

**In the Hogs Head.**

There are some VERY creepy people in here, I fit right in. Got a double Firewhisky and I am going to take my time drinking it. And if McGonagall asks why I've been out for so long I've got the perfect answer. Back at school. And only an isty bit tipsy. Isn't it amazing that five double Firewhisky's later and I can still manage to walk in quite a straight line back up to the castle, run the length of the Lake again then write about it all? I have banned myself from any singing but I am still going to go and scare the hell out of McGonagall.

Love struck,

I've fallen for a lamppost

Giving it me utmost,

Spilling out my deepest feelings.

And all I want to do,

Is snuggle up to you,

A nightcap in the early morning dewwww!

I said banned from singing. Not banned from writing down what I would sing IF I were allowed to sing.

**I am so great.**

Walked into the staff room then scared the hell out of McGonagall, Dumbledore and Poppy Popsicle. I stood at the door, reached in, took out all the candles with a flick of my wand and went:

"BOO!"

Really loudly. It was hilarious. Popsicle went:

"Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!"

McGonagall went:

"Albus! Do something Albus."

And Dumbledore (the old fart) went:

"HahaHA. Ahhhh Severus. How NICE of you to JOIN us."

And he did the light bulb trick that makes his eyes glow. Does nothing escape the attention of that eccentric mad pensioner?

"Severus! What the hell do you think you are doing?" McGonagall had a go at me. She was doing the whole chicken arse thing again. Dumbledore relit all the candles and I was revealed, in all my glory, laughing my very gorgeous head off.

"Severus!" She's going to break the windows if her voice goes any higher. Jeez. It's like listening to a squeaky record that says "Severus!" over and over again.

"What are you doing?"

Ha. I'd already prepared for that question.

"Taking your advice McGonagall. Enjoying myself."

You told me to.

"But you missed an entire afternoon of teaching!"

"Did I really? Damn it. Did the adolescent little brats miss me?" I could almost see the smoke coming out of her ears.

"I know I said you need a holiday, but having an afternoon off without telling anyone then coming back to the castle completely drunk is unacceptable."

"No McGonagall. If I was completely drunk I might find you the slightest bit attractive, but seen as I still think you are the ugliest, wrinkliest oldest bag I have ever set eyes on, I don't think I am drunk enough. Good Night!"

And with that I left her to gasp and do hen's arses impressions as much as she wanted. I'm going to be in for it in the morning.

**Next morning.**

I have just read what I said to McGonagall last night. She is going to absolutely kill me. I'm too gorgeous to die! What's the good of having a great brain if you can't use it to sort out a little problem like McGonagall?

**Okay. Got a plan.**

Here it is:

1. Avoid McGonagall at ALL costs

It took me a long time to work that out.

**She's like a magnet.**

No matter where I go, she is always around the next corner, waiting for me. I have managed to avoid me so far but it is only 9:30 in the morning and I am a quivering wreck already. If I'm not careful I'll end up like Quirrel. Scrap that. Nobody could ever be as bad a Quirrel. Tum tee tum. First exam for the brats today. It's History with Binns. What's the deal with him anyway? Just got up one day and left his body behind? What kind of person does that? A dead one obviously but come on. Dumbledore has asked me to supervise the exam with McGonagall and Binns. Just putting on my new shoes, I've attached the metal bits and so they should work perfectly.

**Squeak, tap, squeak, tap, squeak.**

Ha! Great! And McGonagall or any of the students can't do anything about it during an exam. McGonagall still hasn't forgiven me for slagging her off in front of 'Albus!' I've tried the whole "It's wasn't my fault, I was drunk," thing but she didn't fall for it. Properly because she knows what I said is true. I need to get some coffee before the exam starts.

**Students are coming in now.**

In the main hall, watching for Potter so I can have a go at him.

"Potter! Stop talking!"

"But sir, he wasn't talking."

"You are talking Miss Granger. And if you are not careful I will take another fifty points from Gryffindor AND make sure that ALL of your test papers are ripped up."

That'll teach her to stick up for Potter. I bet they've got something going on.

Great. I've got an hour of just sitting here and doing nothing. Time to do some patrolling I think.

**Squeak, tap, squeak, tap and squeak.**

It's already annoying them, I can see McGonagall sat in the corner raising her eyebrows at me but I will pretend I haven't seen her.

**Arrrggghhh! **

I've never been so embarrassed before in my life. Luckily I am so pail that I am immune to blushing.

I was just merrily squeaking and tapping my way round the hall when I managed to slip, falling right on my arse next to Neville Longbottom's desk. McGonagall came sweeping up and said:

"Severus. What are you doing?"

"Looking for my pen. I seem to have dropped it."

"We don't use pens. We use quills." Snotty cow. I might use a pen seen as quills are old fashioned things that went out in the sixties.

"Fleabag." Not too loud. So she can only just hear me and I can pretend I said something completely different.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing Miss McGonagall." Emphasis on Miss. Ha. You aren't married yet are you, you old bag. You'll never get a bloke, human or otherwise. Unless Dumbledore marries you of course, which I seriously doubt he will.

So now I have to satisfy myself by tapping my shoe against the metal leg or the chair I am sitting on, seen as I don't trust the floor anymore. Oh great McGonagall is coming over again.

"Severus. Will you please take off your shoes? They are distracting the students."

So now I have to take my shoes off. Which is stupid because then I won't be able to annoy people. Oh well. I'm not going to do anything else to enrage McGonagall.

I'll have to work out another way to get on the nerves of the students.

**Got it.**

Prowl around the students, then look over their shoulder while blocking out the light and tut and sigh at them to make them thing they have done something wrong. Which they will have. I have already determined the results for their tests. Nobody will get higher than a C unless McGonagall sticks her nose in.

**Finally! **

Freedom. The exam has finished at last. And I can put on my shoes again. I'm going to go and get some more coffee from the staff room.

Oh great. Dumbledore and McGonagall are in there, sat laughing. I'm going in anyway.

I walked in. Looked at them. Said:

"Hmm."

And walked out again.

Damn. I forgot my coffee. Guess I'll have to go back in.


	16. Dumbledore's left

Chapter sixteen: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Ha.**

Potter's got a detention tonight, trawling around the Forbidden Forest with that oaf Hagrid trying to find a dead unicorn or something like that. I hope Potter gets eaten.

**Huh.**

No such luck.

Dumbledore's running down the corridor straight at me.

I'm going to stand in the way. Not on purpose of course.

"Ahhh Severus! I HAVE to get SOMEWHERE. Please will you mind getting OUT of my WAY?" Erm… No.

"I was just speculating on how many points Slytherin have this year, Headmaster. And how few Gryffindor have." Ha. Smug smile, smug laugh, smug eyebrows. Go me, go me.

"Why are you in such a rush Headmaster?" And yes, I am being a nosy bugger because I have nothing else to do.

"I have just received a LETTER, Severus. I am wanted in LONDON, IMMEDIATELY." Yes. He's going! For who knows how long. Oh yeah! And run of the school passes, to….

"Minerva will be RUNNING the school while I am AWAY."

MINERVA! What stupid idiot would choose her over me! Dumbledore. Oh, good point.

"I must be GOING Severus!" Go on, get out of here. I hope your broom crashes half way there and you end up in Liverpool. It'll serve you right. At least Slytherin are going to win the cup again. Go me, go me!

I've got to go and mark some test papers, and then add them to the notes I made in class. I love ruining people's lives. But first, I think I will give McGonagall a nice surprise to welcome her into being the supply headmaster.

**That was priceless**

Ha! That was great! I just set Fang loose on Mrs Norris; they are at this minute completely trashing the entire castle and if we are very lucky, Mrs Norris might get eaten then Fang will choke.

And animals can't turn you in. McGonagall will never know it was me. Okay, I know I have said that A LOT over the past year but this cannot be blamed on me. I only opened Hagrid's shed (sorry, home) door and Fang came bounding out. I ran up to the school and to Filch's office where Mrs Norris was enjoying a nice rat sandwich. Nobody saw me, Potter and his sidekicks have disappeared, which means they are causing trouble, but I am having too much fun to punish them at the minute. But I will later on.

Excuse me a minute, I have to go and paint the suits of armour funny colours.

**I haven't had this much fun since….**

Actually, I've never had this much fun. The suits of armour put up quite a bit of resistance… until I told them it was what McGonagall ordered, then they complied to being painted bright green, yellow and pink. The only problem is that the suits of armour can talk. But who's going to believe a suit of armour? Dumbledore probably. Malfoy is walking down the corridor. Hmm.

"Why aren't you in class?" It must be nice to have bodyguards. I might order myself some.

"Sir! Sir! Potter, Granger and Weasley weren't in class!" He has to spoil my fun doesn't he? Now I have to go and look for them, which I don't want to do.

"Professor Snape!" On other hand, between looking for Potter and facing McGonagall I'd rather look for Potter.

"Excuse me Professor McGonagall I have to go and look for Potter because he has been skipping classes." Well it seems Potter is good for one thing- getting me out of impossible situations with McGonagall.

**I can't be bothered trailing around this castle looking for Potter for another second.**

I wonder if he has a secret werewolf friend like Potter senior did. I can't really see Weasley turning into Sirius Black, but Hermione does look remarkably like Lupin. And Potter's senior and junior are of course identical to the last piece of messy, scruffy, untidy, hair. It would be nice to find Potter doing something unmistakably terrible so that Dumbledore has to expel him and then I could take all the credit for it.

Oh great, McGonagall is power-walking down the corridor. I am very good at power-walking, it is when you walk twice as fast as usual and look like something is really annoying you. It makes people stay out of your way. I think I will just step into this classroom, I wouldn't want to get in McGonagall's way as something/one is obviously infuriating her.

"Severus!" Crap. There is never any winning. Only losing. I'm a loser. There. I've said it. So why don't I feel any better? I'm meant to feel better! Something about releasing inner demons. Rubbish! I hate councillors. I'm not going to change; I'm going to be just as infuriating as normal! More if I can manage it! And if you want someone to blame, blame the councillors! And McGonagall! For aggravating my condition!

"Yes Minerva?" She doesn't look happy.

"Do you know anything about the suits of armour being painted different colours?"

"It was Peeves." Well, he doesn't serve any other purpose; he might as well take the responsibility for my activities. He doesn't mind.

"Well the suits of armour are all saying that it was you and I happen to believe them." You would.

"I have to go and look for Potter." Bye!

"I'm sure Mr Potter can look after himself, especially as he will probably have Miss Granger with him." No, he can't look after himself and Granger will probably get him in more trouble than he is already in!

"Why are you trying to sabotage my short time as Headmistress?" And thank god it is short, or I would change careers.

**In Dumbledore's office**.

I seem to be in here way too much. I feel like a school kid waiting to see what punishment the old fart was going to give to me. Well now the old fart has morphed into McGonagall (some things never change) and I'm more scared now than I was when I got caught out bed back then. It's a long story- something to do with Potter, he challenged me to a midnight duel but I got caught before I reached the trophy room. But then I told on Potter and they got caught as well. I still got punished but so did they. I would have won the duel though, so I think they got off lightly.

**It's really hot today. **

I hate hot weather. Exams have finished so I can put away my shoes for another year. The Weasley twins and that Lee Jordan are near the lake; I think they are tickling the Giant Squids tentacles! Why doesn't it eat them? It tried to disembowel me; the least it should do is try to nibble their fingers off or something. Hmm. I've spotted Potter, he is sprinting towards Hagrid's. He's up to something; I'm going to spy on him.

**He's trying to find Dumbledore's office.**

Why? Ha, Dumbledore's not here. You're shoved now, aren't you? Great, McGonagall is coming down the corridor and has stopped.

"What are you three doing inside?" It's brilliant watching McGonagall shout at someone other than me. She's doing the whole nostril-flaring thing. They're in for it now.

"We are looking for Professor Dumbledore." Granger. It's the first time she's actually spoken a little bit rudely to a teacher. If she had spoken to me like that she would already be on her way home. Okay, so maybe it wasn't that rude but that's not the point, it's the principle of the thing.

"Professor Dumbledore left ten minutes ago. He received an urgent owl form the Ministry of Magic and left for London." They look grief stricken; it's only Dumbledore, who cares?

"He's gone! Now?" Yes now! Hahahaha! Gone, gone, GONE! Him with his stupid way of talking and twinkling eyes has GONE! And even though he will undoubtedly come back, I plan to have this castle completely wrecked before that unhappy event takes place.

"Professor Dumbledore is a very great wizard, Potter, he has many demands on his time." A very great wizard? Who are you trying to kid? He's an old wizard with a long nose and long beard, but that does not make him great. If anything I am a great wizard, or rather a brilliant potion maker.

"But this is important." Did Granger get less than an A on an exam paper? Tough. No one cares.

"Something you have to say is more important than the Ministry of Magic?" Good point McGonagall, the Ministry of Magic is more important than Potter, but then again, a flea is more important than Potter so that's not really saying much.

"Look, Professor, it's about the Philosopher's Stone." Ha! He's gone and done it now! McGonagall's even dropped all the books she was carrying. This is expulsion for certain. I knew he was up to something and now he has admitted to it. Sneaking around, sticking his nose in where it isn't wanted. Just like his father.

"How do you know?" Who cares HOW he knows, just lock him in shackles and call some house elves to bring down his rubbish from his room.

"Professor, I think- I know- that Sn- that someone is trying to steal it! I have to talk to Professor Dumbledore!" That who is trying to steal it? Was he going to say Snape? That cheeky little bag of unimportant goo! What does he think this is? Thieves anonymous? Bandits 'R' Us? And if I WAS going to nick the Stone, I would certainly make sure YOU got the blame for it. Not me. I'm not stupid Potter, unlike you and your father.

"I assure you that the Stone is safe. Now go outside and enjoy the sunshine." McGonagall is walking off now. I think they are talking about me. I'm going to suddenly appear, I do it so well.

They are talking about me. Look:

"Snape's going through the trapdoor tonight. He's found out everything he needs and now he's got Dumbledore out of the way. He sent that note; I bet the Ministry of Magic will get a real shock when Dumbledore turns up." What an imagination Potter has. Sending fake letters to Dumbledore to get him out of the way for a few days. Now why couldn't I have thought of that? He won't fall for it again. I'm going to do my appearing act now.

"Good afternoon." I'm a smooooth criminal. Now they are staring at me.

"You shouldn't be inside on a day like this." Smooth smile, don't cough it'll ruin the effect. Well the smile came out a little twisted because of the near cough, but oh well. They look as scared as they would if it were a proper smirk.

"We were…" Don't even THINK of trying to get out of this one Potter. You think I'm trying to steal stuff; I'm going to make you PAY! Muhahahaha.

"You want to be more careful. Hanging around like this, people will think you are up to something. And Gryffindor really can't afford to lose any more points, can they?" I've wanting to say that to him for ages. I would do a jig if Potter wasn't stood in front of me. I'll do one tonight in my classroom. Awwww. Potter's blushing. Isn't it cute? No. It's nauseating. It's horrible. It's stomach- churning.

"Be warned. Any more night – time wanderings and I shall personally make sure you are expelled. Good day to you." Twirl round, billowing cloak, sneer firmly in place, stride off towards staff room, no, other way. I always manage to ruin my big exits.

**In staff room.**

I came in humming the can-can and Flitwick nearly fell off his seat in surprise. He could have done himself a serious injury if he had fallen. Why didn't he fall? I could have done with a laugh. Popsicle asked why I was so happy. I said I'm not happy; I'm merely less moody than usual. She sniffed. I'm going to go and mark some test papers. Ooo, Granger is outside the staff room door. I bet she is keeping an eye on me. I'll go and scare her.

"Want do you want Granger?"

"I'm waiting for Professor Flitwick, Sir!" Just wait a few years for him to get off his seat and he'll be right with you. She's gone. I went and got Flitwick, but she has disappeared. Flitwick will have to climb off his seat for no reason, maybe I should tell him not to bother because she's gone? Nah.


	17. End of the first year I've survived

Chapter seventeen: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**He's back.**

Apparently the letter was a fake and though McGonagall hasn't suggested that it was me yet, she will do. Sooner or later. Then Dumbledore will send for me. But he won't do yet because I have heard that something is going on down on the third corridor with the Philosophers Stone. I knew Potter was up to something and this is it, he is in for it now. The suits of armour have all been changed back to their original colours by the way; McGonagall couldn't find enough evidence to pin the blame on me. Not that she didn't try, getting the house elves to look through all my robes trying to find splodges of paint on them, but I'm not that stupid. I burnt the ones I was wearing. She will never know it was me and I intend to keep it that way. It's nearly the summer holidays too, no spotty kids for seven whole weeks. I'm ecstatic with excitement. Yay.

**Guilty before proven innocent**

McGonagall has related her 'harrowing' ordeal to Dumbledore and I am going to get the sack, I might get sent to Azkaban. Or given a medal for annoying McGonagall. Speaking of Azkaban, I was wondering if I would survive long in there. It's not the Dementors that scare me, they can go and swizzle on a lamppost, it is the fact of having no coffee for however many years might drive me a bit more insane than I am now. Why don't the Dementors scare me? Because I have no happy thoughts that they can suck out of me, when they enter a room with me in it I simply feel a slight drop in temperature. It annoys them terrible. I know they have no faces, not that I know of anyway, but they kind of bunch their cloak around them, like I do when I am being threatening. A student once suggested to me that I should take up being a Dementor as a career, I took it is as a compliment then, but now looking at it written down I fear it may have been meant as an insult. I hate kids.

**Potter has gone Potty.**

More potty than he was before of course. He has woken up from his sleep and is now raving about Quirrel legging it with the stone and having Voldemort hiding in the back of his head. I knew there was something dodgy about him. It wasn't garlic to ward off vampires; it was Voldemort's dinner. Do I look stupid to you? Don't answer that.

Not got the sack Dumbledore made me apologise. "Now Severus. I know YOU probably did not MEAN to cause TROUBLE for Minerva, but I think you went a LITTLE too FAR. Minerva will forgive you IF you APOLOGISE." I don't think so.

"I'm very sorry Minerva, that I dared to have a little bit of fun while Albus was away and I hope I did not offend you by doing… What was it I did again?" Well by this time McGonagall was fuming, which is five points to me and Dumbledore's twinkling eyes had buggered up too (i.e. he finally stopped doing it), ten points to me. I should go down in history, the first man to make Dumbledore shut up and stop twinkling his eyes.

"Ahhhhh. I think you KNOW what you have been DOING while I was AWAY Severus." Yes, I know I know but I'm not going to admit to knowing, now am I?

"I'm afraid I don't Headmaster."

"I have proof that Severus was the one that painted the suits of armour Albus!"

McGonagall did that shrill voice that only she can manage, then yanked the door open and dragged a suit of armour in that was a shade of very violent pink. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Did this man cover you in paint?"

"Clang!" A look of triumph plastered itself over McGonagall's wrinkly face. She looked like an elephant with a mudpack on.

"See Headmaster! Proof!"

"All it said was 'Clang!' This is not proof, this is a barmy old suit of armour blaming me."

"And WHY would he try to blame YOU?"

Why do you think?

"It doesn't like me. Never has."

"Clang!" Me now desperately making threatening gestures at the suit of armour trying to make it shut up.

"Why don't we just PUT all this silly BUSINESS behind us?"

How about no?

"She started it."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Didn't."

"Did."

"Please Minerva…"

"Didn't."

"Did."

"Severus, please…"

"Didn't."

"Did."

"Didn't."

"Stop!"

"Did."

"This is very CHILDISH behaviour and if you cannot sort this OUT like adults I shall sort it out MY way."

"Didn't."

The suit of armour clanged off and Dumbledore told me to go and have a cup of tea while he spoke to McGonagall. I told him…

"I don't drink tea."

"Pumpkin juice then."

"I don't drink Pumpkin juice either."

"Firewhisky?" McGonagall butted in. Shut up McGonagall.

"Who asked you?"

"Nobody, but seen as you sit there swigging it at dinner..."

"I do not!"

"Do."

"Don't times infinity." I win.

"What DO you drink at dinner?"

"Coffee." Did McGonagall just snort? At ME?

**Not fair.**

So I am now sat in the staff room- all alone because everyone else is either teaching or playing hopscotch outside. Only joking. Or am I? Have had to make a cappuccino because there is no normal coffee left. I don't like it that much; it's a bit too sweet. It's the leaving feast tomorrow, actually thinking about it we have a feast everyday so what's different about tomorrow? Except of course Dumbledore doing his stupid speech which as an ending that no one can understand. I'm sure nobody wants to listen to Dumbledore; they would rather eat the food. Well I would, I'd rather talk to a tree than listen to Dumbledore droning on for half an hour about nothing in particular, just rubbish. Once he talked for one and a half hours about lemon sherbets. He's a sad old fart isn't he.

**Been called back to Dumbledore's office.**

Apparently McGonagall will call quits if I say sorry. So I said it.

"Sorry."

"Say sorry properly." How can you say sorry properly?

"Sorry properly." Heh, heh, heh. I love being annoying.

"Albus!"

"Severus."

"Albus."

"Severus."

"Minerva."

"Severus!"

"Albus."

"Severus!"

"Minerva."

"STOP IT!"

"You are going to pop a blood vessel if you carry on like this. Maybe she should take some time off Headmaster?"

"I DO NOT NEED TIME OFF!"

"Headmaster, she is obviously distressed."

"I think that maybe Severus is right Minerva." I know I'm right, you can think all you want. Triumphant smirk, triumphant stance, triumphant walk, triumphant slamming of office door. Go me.

**In bed, triumphantly reading a book**

Triumphantly turning a page, triumphantly sipping coffee, triumphantly adjusting pillow. Triumphantly doing everything.

**Last day!**

Just been at a staff meeting. Dumbledore told us that Quirrel is indeed dead. You could tell none of us were bothered. I was too interested in my coffee, McGonagall was giving me evil looks, Flitwick was trying to climb onto his seat and Popsicle was doing her hair. Dumbledore looked a bit miffed that we didn't care more. At least the smell of garlic won't linger around the castle anymore.

**In the great hall, waiting for the last few stranglers to get their arses into gear and down to their seats.**

Just asked Dumbledore what we are waiting for and he says Potter. I thought he was boarded up in the lunatic asylum, sorry hospital wing but apparently he insisted on coming down. Here he is now. And the hall has gone completely silent. Shall I cough just to annoy people? "Another year gone!" Too late, Dumbledore has started his speech. "And I must trouble you with an old man's wheezing waffle before we begin…" Must you really? You say the same thing every year; it's getting really boring now. Actually it got boring the first time you said it thirty years ago. "…As I understand it the House Cup needs awarding and the points stand thus. Gryffindor in fourth place, Hufflepuff in third, Ravenclaw in second and in first place Slytherin." Yay! Go Slytherin!

"Well done Slytherin, but recent events must be taken into account." He's not going to do what I think he is going to do. Is he?

"First- to Mr Ronald Weasley- for the best played game of chess Hogwarts has ever seen. I award Gryffindor house fifty points." WHAT! You can't go handing out points for playing chess well! I HATE CHESS!

"Second- to Miss Hermione Granger- for the use of cool logic in the face of fire. I award Gryffindor house fifty points." My fire! She should have been burned! I should have poisoned her when I had the chance! What's cool logic when it's at home anyway? Fifty points! I HATE LOGIC!

"Third- to Mr Harry Potter- for pure nerve and outstanding courage. I award Gryffindor house sixty points." ARRRGGGHHH! Nerve and courage! A Potter? I HATE COURAGE! Don't you dare smirk at me McGonagall; I'm a man on the edge!

"There are all kinds of courage, it takes a great deal to stand up to our enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to our friends. I therefore award ten points to Mr Neville Longbottom." HIM! COURAGE! Of all the sickening things I have seen, this one will stay with me forever. McGonagall sat there smirking, the Gryffindors jumping up and down, the Slytherins all staring into their goblets of Pumpkin juice. And me. Sat there while coffee slows drips off the table and all over my shoes. A Cornish pasty goes flying through the air and smacks Malfoy on the side of his hair. At least I still have a good shot. I'm going to dye Dumbledore's beard blue for next year. I HATE HOGWARTS.

**They've left.**

Good riddance.


End file.
